


Fear

by fallenangel8794



Series: Shades of Blue [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 36,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenangel8794/pseuds/fallenangel8794
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard struggles with all the death she has witnessed, including her own. Did Cerberus miss her confidence and courage when they rebuilt her? Or is it just a matter of coming to terms with the life she has been given? Maturity warnings apply.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And it Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my little corner of the Mass Effect fandom :) This takes a bit of a darker path to the end of the series, but that may not be a bad thing. Please let me know what you think!

He had accepted a place on her ship without question or regret. She had come to trust him and enjoy his company. They went on every ground mission together and fought and shot without so much as a word, just a knowing where the other would aim. She would trash the Mako and then hand him the tools to fix it. They would talk and compare war stories, sometimes spar.  
But that was before Virmire. She had sent one of her crew to die on that planet, like she swore she would never let happen again after Akuze. They returned to the Normandy and she had locked herself in her quarters, not even taking the call from the ambassador. Garrus stood silently at his station, thinking back over their conversations, some more serious than others, but all were meaningful to him, meant to teach him something he would use later. He always learned something new just from being around her. He chanced a glance at the now empty armory where the familiar shape of Ashley Williams was missing. He thought about going to the commander’s room and knocking on her door, but he had no idea what he would say. He didn’t even know what was acceptable to say to his human commanding officer. He figured that human biotic that was always eying her was already there anyway. He sighed heavily and looked for something else to occupy his mind.  
_______

Garrus was woken that night by a muffled curse and the smell of gun oil. He looked over to see a familiar figure hunched over the work bench. He sidled up next to her and leaned against the bench. She didn’t stop, didn’t look up.  
“Trying to honor her memory?” He asked.  
“Trying to forget, actually.”  
He noticed her shaking hands. “In the mood for company?”  
She almost sent him away, just like Kaidan. She didn’t want to talk anymore; she had nothing left to say. Instead she sighed and said, “Sure.”  
Without another word, he picked up a pistol and stripped it. She was grateful for his silence and he was glad she had showed up at all. Shepard began reassembling her shotgun when he noticed angry red welts on her arms, crisscrossing scars of various ages. He looked up to find her looking at him. She knew what he saw and turned to lean against the bench with her arms by her sides, her ever present bracelet glinting in the dim light.  
“What are those scars from?” He gestured to her arms.  
She quickly folded her arms to hide them. “Nothing.”  
“That looked like a whole lot of nothing. Talk to me, Commander.”  
She sighed heavily. “It’s a long, dark story.”  
“Well, I wasn’t planning on doing anything else for a while. I’ve come to see that it’s darkest only when you’re alone.”  
“I’m not proud of it.”  
“I’m not judging. Hell, I’m hardly in a place to.”  
Shepard gave him a sidelong look, considering his words. Her shoulders slumped and she began, “It’s an addiction, just like alcohol or drugs. But instead of wanting to forget your problems or put yourself above them, you’ve fallen past that. You’re addicted to feeling the pain just to know you’re alive. I never thought I would be one of those, who fell into shit like that, but I broke down.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Her voice became distant, detached. “It’s a slow thing. It starts when something causes your world to crumble and before you can put it back together, something else scatters the pieces. You scramble trying to find them, hope still lingering, lighting your way. Then some of the pieces fall out of your reach and the light fades. You don’t notice at first. Jokes you used to laugh at don’t hold humor any more. Things that would have brought tears to your eyes seem meaningless. You just go through the motions for a while, forgetting why you’re doing what you’re doing. Then one day, you witness something so brutal you know you should fall to your knees trying not to vomit at the site. Instead you just stand there, staring with a look of mild shock. You finish your job and leave. That night, you think back over the day and your lack of reaction finally hits you. You shut the door to your room and look at yourself in the mirror. You think of anything to get a reaction, but the reflection just stays emotionless. Then you realize the light is gone, but you don’t know how long you’ve been standing in the dark. You should feel fear or anger or something. But there is nothing. You look at yourself in the mirror again. You have become featureless, blank. You wonder if you’re dead and just haven’t realized it yet, stuck imagining that you’re still fighting for something when your time has run out. Why should you be spared twice when others weren’t even spared once? You try to feel something, anything to prove you’re alive. You scream and yell and scramble, feeling so lost you would do anything just to prove something, anything, is real, that you’re not dead yet. You take your old blade mod and drag it across the skin of your arm. It hurts. You stare at it, watching the blood well up. It stings for days, every time you touch it. You find you can smile and laugh and cry again, even if it’s all shallow, the feelings are there but only when there’s pain. And it begins.”  
Garrus stayed silent for a long moment. He was disturbed by her words, by the fact that she spoke about her past like it didn’t belong to her. He wondered how long ago it really had been for her, if she relived her time on Akuze or Mindior every night. She was standing, stiff and still next to him. He reached for her hand and gently took it in his talons. He turned it over and traced the multitude of lines on her wrist.  
“How long?” He asked.  
“Two and a half years.”  
“That’s a lot of damage for a short time.”  
“There’s more than what you can see.”  
Those words stirred something deep inside him. He felt anger towards the ones who pushed her to this, sorrow that he didn’t know how to help her, fear that he would lose her to this. He felt the need to protect her, but how was he supposed to protect her from her past? He suppressed a growl. He turned her so she was facing him. She looked up at him, her expression blank.  
“I want you to promise me something.”  
“What?”  
“That no matter what happens; you’ll come to me to prove you’re alive. I don’t want to see any more scars.” He clamped his talons around her wrist, covering the hatch work lines. Shepard looked down at his hand holding her wrist and back up at him. He saw a glimmer in her eye.  
“I promise, no more scars,” she whispered as she put her free hand over his on her arm, her bracelet clinking against his plates. Garrus nodded to her once, acknowledging her words before he pulled away.  
They turned back to the work bench and finished their task in silence. Shepard stowed her gear and stalked to the elevator. She turned to face him as the door slid closed and he couldn’t read the expression on her face. Garrus stayed awake the rest of the night tinkering on the Mako, their conversation running circles in his mind. Why was he suddenly so protective of the woman who could easily kick his ass?  
Shepard didn’t know what made her confess to Garrus the way she did, but it bothered her. After Mindior and Akuze, after so much death, she swore she would never trust anyone enough for them to know her. Sure, she made her rounds and got to know the people she was responsible for, but she never gave out personal information. She preferred that the only things her crew knew about her is what the news put out there. She went back to her quarters and checked the message Ambassador Udina left and plotted a course for the Citadel.  
________

They stood in Flux after the meeting with the Council. Shepard’s hands were tight fists at her sides as they talked with the only human to have completely won her trust off the battlefield. Anderson was going to help them steal the Normandy. They ran through their options. She told him to use the computer in the ambassador’s office.  
As they parted ways, she said, “Give him one for me, Anderson.”  
He nodded and was on his way. They rushed back to the ship and were at the relay before docking bay personnel were aware they had left.  
Ilos passed in a blur. They talked to a Prothean VI and blew up a lot of geth. That was about all the team registered as the Mako rocketed through the Conduit and crashed onto the Citadel. They pulled themselves, groaning, from the overturned vehicle and set off. Garrus and Tali marveled at their commander’s ability to talk- or shout, rather- sense into the indoctrinated former Specter. Instead of fighting, he chose to help by putting a bullet through his cybernetics. She quickly opened a communications channel and sent the Alliance in to save the Council. Garrus and Tali leapt down a trail of debris to where Saren, former Specter, had crashed. They each put another bullet in what was left of his head to be sure.  
“He’s dead,” Tali radioed in. Shepard looked down through the glass, nodded and turned to leave. The ground started to buck under her feet and she was thrown through the glass and tumbled onto the ground. The dead form of Saren sparked and shuddered with red energy as it shed the dead organic flesh and roared in a grating, synthetic drone. The trio dove for cover as the monstrosity scuttled around. They were wasting ammo trying to hit it; it just moved too fast. Shepard looked to Garrus taking cover next to her. His eyes met hers and he knew what she was planning. He tried to grab her arm as she launched herself over the concrete column they were using for shelter. She sprinted at the synthetic and slammed hard into it, sending them both flying. It had been so focused on dodging bullets that it hadn’t been able to avoid the human throwing herself at it. It quickly shoved her off and pinned her to the ground using only one hand. The other slashed against her shields until it was one hit away from tearing into her face. She stared at it and smiled as its talons pulled back for a hit. She held her breadth, waiting. The thing’s head exploded in a shower of metal and wires. She grinned wider and rolled to her feet. Garrus was storming over to her, ready to tell her exactly what he thought of the move she just pulled. An explosion overhead made them all stop and turn their eyes toward the flashes. A giant, black hunk of metal came hurtling down and Shepard turned, motioning for her team to move.  
“Go! Go! Go!” She shouted as she ran behind them. As her team rounded a corner, the massive piece of debris crashed down on top of her in front of their eyes. Before they could really react, they were thrown back by smaller pieces of disjointed metal.  
There was a faint sound of someone coming closer, rocks shifting. He was blinded by the bright light of an omni-tool shining in his face. There were shouts coming in clearer as the ringing in his ears faded away. Someone helped him to his feet. To his left was Tali, who looked better than he felt, but it really was hard to tell with the mask.  
“Where is she?” Anderson’s voice made him cringe. “Where is Shepard?”  
Garrus just looked back to the pile of rubble, to the last place he saw her. He felt a deep sense of guilt that he didn’t try to pull her after him. Tali just shook her head. Medical staff started to pull them toward the gap they had made. Anderson just stood there staring as if he expected her to toss the hulking mass aside like it weighed no more than she did. He was about to turn away when he heard footsteps coming from the pile. Tali and Garrus turned just in time to see her reach the top of an incline and smile down at them, holding one arm close to her body. They all smiled back and she slid down to their level. After a quick visit to the medical office and a short debrief from the Council, the Normandy crew met for drinks. Still in uniform, Shepard made her rounds through the crowd, refusing the drinks offered by her crew. She finally made it to his dark corner and slid into the booth across from him. Much of his anger toward her had cooled when he thought she had died. He expected it to reignite when she causally joined him, but was surprised to find relief flood his mind instead.  
“That was crazy,” he muttered from behind his drink.  
“Not crazy, just a calculated risk,” she smiled back.  
“Whatever you humans call it, I still call it crazy,” he shook his head. She smirked and relaxed into her seat. “How did you know I would get it in time?”  
“I know you.” She replied simply.  
“Seriously, you were staring at death and you didn’t doubt my skill for a second? Or think Tali would take the shot?”  
“Nope. And she wouldn’t have taken that risk with her shotgun.”  
“Why not? Do you have no fear? I doubted I would get it right.”  
“You’ve been on every ground mission with me. Being with someone that much in battle builds a certain. . .” She paused, seeming to choke on her next words, “Trust. I have never once been shot at from my six. Even if you doubted yourself, I knew I would be fine leaving you with the shot.”  
He wanted to come back with some sarcastic remark, something to hide his shock at her statement. Instead he barked out, “Thanks, Commander.”  
She stood, “It’s just ‘Shepard’ to you.”  
He blinked, watching her walk away. He would never understand that woman. She shared her past with him and no one else. She believed in him when he doubted himself. Clearly, she could see something he was missing. He finished his drink and swore he would be the person she saw him as and live up to the expectations she had set for him, whether she knew she set them or not.


	2. Archangel

_Sender: Commander A. Shepard, SSV Normandy_

_Garrus,_

_Just let Tali off at the Migrant Fleet. She was happy to be home, but I don’t think she wanted us to go. The ship feels so empty now. It’s just those stoic Alliance types. No, I’m not one of them. I’m a Specter, though Admiral Hackett seems to think that makes me his personal secretary. At least I’m keeping busy. They have me chasing geth. Geth! We haven’t found anything yet, but you know how it goes. Trouble will find me even if I hide under my bunk. I hope whoever has my six will be half as good as you._

_Take care,_

_Shepard_

 

He sent off a quick reply to her message and stretched. He was going to be late if he didn’t leave now. He couldn’t help but smile as he imagined her sarcastic, playful tone when she mentioned the Alliance and hiding under her bunk. He closed the terminal and rushed out the door.

 ......

She was in the mess when she ship rocked. “Joker, what the hell was that?”

“I don’t know, Commander. It-” An explosion cut the pilot off. She jumped to her feet as the ship swayed enough to knock her over. She helped the crew she had been with to their feet and told them to get to the escape pods. She ran to her locker and hastily pulled her hardsuit on as Kaidan ran up. After a brief argument, he reluctantly left her. On her way to the cockpit, she quickly sent a message to the first name that popped up.

“ _Normandy_ under attack. Getting Joker. The ship is going down. I-” The message got cut off by an explosion before she could finish. She muttered a curse and sprinted the last few feet to the door. It opened to a scene of carnage. The hole in the hull of the ship made her pause. She steeled herself and pressed on to find Joker. After a few harsh words, she pulled him from the cockpit and gently tossed him into an escape pod. Before she could get herself in, the rest of the ship fell to one last blast and she was ripped away, barely managing to push the launch button. She watched with grim satisfaction as the shuttles left the burning wreck behind. Her crew made it. Better than Mindior, better than Akuze. She tried to sigh and couldn’t breathe. She reached back and tried to fix the air hose, writhing and twisting. Black started encroaching on the edges of her vision and her last thought before it took over was _at least my crew survived_.

 ___________________

He was in a foul mood. He had gotten home late after fighting with every other person he talked to that day. He was contemplating just lying face down on his couch when his message terminal beeped its reminder and someone knocked on his door. He went to the door first. It was Anderson.

“I was hoping I’d catch you. I have some bad news.”

“I’ve had a long day, Anderson.”

“It’s about the _Normandy_.”

That made the turian stand straighter. “What’s going on?”

“It went down over Alchera. Flight Lieutenant Moreau said the commander went down with the ship, after saving him.”

“What?” He couldn’t wrap his mind around what the man was saying to him. Shepard was, well, _Shepard_. She couldn’t be. . .

“It was attacked by an unknown enemy. We couldn’t get there in time.”

“No.” He staggered back, reaching for the counter to support himself.

“I thought you should hear it from me, instead of the vids. I’m sorry, Garrus.”

He didn’t notice the man leave. He sat heavily on the couch. When he could catch his breath, he thought about breaking open the bottle of liquor he had in the kitchen, but he couldn’t find the will to move. A thousand thoughts pounded in his head. Shepard couldn’t be she just couldn’t be. She was a survivor, she wouldn’t have let go. His mind flashed back to their conversation after Virmire. His blood ran cold. She wouldn’t. Not when there was so much at stake. She promised. She’s better than that. His terminal beeped again. He drug himself off the couch and over to it, more to take his mind off of its dark path than anything. The message that came up knocked the wind out of him. It was from her.

_Normandy under attack. Getting Joker. The ship is going down. I-_ An explosion reduced it to static. He stared at the static, willing it to tell him they were wrong. He played it again, trying to see something that would prove she was alive. The ship was falling apart around her.

_No, not Shepard._

 ------------------

_Out of the frying pan, into the fire_ , Shepard thought as she took cover from mechs in a Cerberus base. She flung them aside and continued on her way, following directions from a pushy female voice. She was almost glad when it shut up. The more she used her new biotics, the more she was beginning to like them. They really saved ammo. She came across a room with terminals. One gave her credits. The other two were progress reports on something called “Project Lazarus” that was apparently very expensive. A couple dozen mechs later, she found someone else shooting them. She dove into cover next to him, firing rapidly until the last machine fell.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions. I’m Jacob Taylor, Miranda’s top lieutenant.”

“I do, but I’d rather ask them when we won’t be shot.”

“Fair enough.”

They headed toward someone named Wilson after he radioed for help. When they found him, they helped him to his feet and raced to the shuttles. He opened the door and took a bullet to the face from Miranda. Shepard aimed her pistol squarely at her head. Her curiosity is what stopped her from pulling the trigger. On the shuttle, Shepard was confronted with a dark truth.

“Did you say two years?”

“Two years and twelve days. And you were on an operating table for most of it.”

She had to remind herself to breathe. _Two years? Holy hell._

They quizzed her on her achievements until she wanted to bite their heads off. She was ready to punch the Illusive Man by the time he appeared before her. She was even more aggravated by the fact he didn’t have the balls to meet her in person. She grudgingly agreed to help save humanity by helping the terrorists. She stormed out of the room and back to her “crew”. Falling back on old habits, she made her rounds before taking them to Freedom’s Progress.

_More mechs. Of course. So much for deserted._ She experimented more with her biotics and found some new abilities. Her body was wreathed in a blue glow.

“Take it easy, Shepard!”

She let lose a wild laugh and charged at a drone, causing it to explode. She turned back to Miranda and Jacob. “Let’s go.”

They move through the complex and eventually come across a group of quarians. Guns drawn, the groups faced off. Shepard backed off quickly.

“Tali?”

“Shepard? You’re dead.”

The two old friends talked for a short time, both putting their crew in its place. They agreed to work together and made quick work of the rest of the mechs. Shepard refused to take the traumatized qurian, opting to trust her old friend. It paid off.

The Illusive Man didn’t cease to aggravate Shepard as he told her that her old crew is unavailable. He sent her dossiers for the best he’d been able to find. There was one, though he had waiting for her.

“Good to see you, Commander.”

“Joker!” She resisted the urge to throw her arms around her old pilot. They walked over to an empty section of the room as she listened to him fill in the gaps. She shook her head at the way her findings were swept under the rug. To cheer her up, he showed her the new ship. She wasted no time claiming it as hers and scoping it out. She found every room where she could put a crew member and even played nice with the new AI, even though Joker called it “ship cancer”. After acquainting herself with the crew, she went to her quarters. She had an entire level to herself. In the room were a fish tank, private bathroom, stereo system and message terminal. She sighed heavily and set to work reading thru the dossiers. She decided to head to Omega to find Archangel, Mordin Solus and Zaeed.

..........

Once on the smelly station, they were told to talk to Aria. Shepard rolled her eyes as she walked away. She ran into Zaeed and they discussed his conditions. They agreed and shook on it; he left to complete his current contract before going to the ship. She made her way to the asari. She was beyond exasperated but she tried to be friendly. She got her questions answered and went on her way.

“So where are we going first, Shepard?” Miranda asked

“Archangel.”

“Why not get the Professor? We need him to make the counter-measure against the seeker swarms.” Jacob pointed out.

“He’s safe enough in his clinic. Archangel has every merc on Omega after him. He’s running out of time.”

“Fair enough.” Miranda sighed.

They filed into the recruitment room. The batarian behind the table snorted, “You’re cute, but the strippers’ quarters are around the corner.”

“Show me yours tough guy. I bet mine’s bigger,” she flashed her side arm at him.

He gave the group instructions and they took their leave. On the way out, Shepard disabled a young man’s gun, telling him to stay away from Archangel.  They made their way to the base of operations and sabotaged the gun ship and heavy mech before making their way to the bridge. 


	3. What You Do Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts from Archangel's POV then switches to Shep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still can't believe he shoots you...

He leaned back against the wall. His vision blurred and he rubbed his eyes. He was on his last stim and there were still idiots coming across the bridge. He sighed heavily and peered out of the window. Another small group was starting across. He adjusted his scope and checked his targets.

_It can’t be._

He readjusted and rechecked.

_I’m hallucinating. Wonderful. Let’s see if it will still die._

He fired at what he thought was a hallucination. He was aiming for her head but missed. It bounced harmlessly off her shields. He cursed himself and reloaded his sniper rifle. He zoomed in on her. She had glowing orange lines going across her face. She had the same blue eyes and copper hair piled on top of her head. The look was one he’d seen a hundred times. It was such a Shepard look. . .

_But she died._

He watched her for a moment. She shot everyone who got in her way, just like he remembered. She was graceful and lethal. No one else could move like she did on the battle field. She was wearing different armor, but he could still see the N7 logo on it. Then she started to glow with biotic energy. She threw two mercs off the edge of the bridge.

_That’s impressive._

He quickly dispatched the group coming up behind her and her posse. He watched her back until she was out of sight. He heard gunfire coming from the entrance and cursed again. Clearly he wasn’t doing as well as he thought. He kept his eyes on the bridge and left Shepard to what she did best. He heard footsteps pounding on the stairs and hoped it really was her and not a potent hallucination as he took aim.

“Archangel?” She asked pointedly. He recognized her voice. It was definitely Shepard. He held up a talon and she waited. He took out the last merc on the bridge and, using his gun for support, stood. He went to a low table and sat on it, pulling off his helmet.

“Shepard. I thought you were dead.”

“Garrus, what are you doing here?” She felt a wave a relief that she had found a friendly face, one that she trusted. The word bounced around her head as she looked at her friend.

“Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice,” he replied with a hint of his usual sarcasm.

“Are you okay?”

“Been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face.” He tried to keep the exhaustion out of his voice, but he knew she could read him well enough to see it. “Killing mercs is hard work, especially on my own.”

“How’d you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?”

“It wasn’t easy. I really had to work hard at it. I am amazed they teamed up to fight me. They must really hate me.”

“What are you doing out here on Omega?” She made it clear this was the last place she had expected to find him.

“I got fed up with all the bureaucratic crap on the Citadel. I figured I could do more good on my own. At least it’s not hard to find criminals here. All I have to do it point my gun and shoot.” He knew by the look she shot him that she didn’t believe that was the whole story, but she didn’t push it.

“Since when do you start calling yourself Archangel?”

“It’s just a name the locals gave me, for all my good deeds. I don’t mind it, but please . . . it’s just ‘Garrus’ to you.” She smiled there and he wondered if she remembered saying that to him all those years ago.

“You nailed me good a couple of times, by the way.”

“Concussive rounds only. No harm done. I didn’t want the mercs getting suspicious.”

“Uh-huh.” She folded her arms and he knew she saw right through him.

 “If I wanted to do more than take down your shields, I’d have done it. Besides you were taking your sweet time. I needed to get you moving.” He teased her and she relented, knowing he was right on that point.

“Well, we got in here, but I don’t think getting out will be as easy.”

“No it won’t. The bridge has saved my life, funneling all those witless idiots into scope. But it works both ways. They’ll slaughter us if we try to get out that way.”

“We can’t just sit here and wait for them to come to us,” Jacob pointed out.

“It’s not all that bad. This place has held them off so far and with the three of you. . . I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defenses and take our chances. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s a plan.”

“How did you get yourself in this position?”

He sighed, “I let my feelings get in the way of my better judgment. It’s a long story. I’ll make you a deal, you get me out of here alive and I’ll tell you the whole damn thing.”

“I don’t like sneaking anyway. Time to spill a little merc blood.”

“Glad to see you haven’t changed.” They shared a smile. There was something in her eyes that he was sure he’d never seen before. He couldn’t place it so he turned away. “Let’s see what they’re up to . . . hmm, looks like they know their infiltration teams failed.” He passed her his sniper rifle. “Here, take a look. Scouts. Eclipse, I think.” She zoomed in on one and took its head off. “Since when are you so good with a sniper rifle?”

She handed it back and shook her head. Ignoring his jibe, she said, “That looks like a lot more than scouts.”

He watched her shoulders stiffen and chose not to point it out, saying instead, “Indeed. Looks like we should get ready. I’ll stay up here. I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point. You . . . you can do what you do best. Just like old times, Shepard.” He felt good about his odds for the first time since he got himself up there.

“Let’s do this.”

They took down everything that got too close to the bridge. There was a lull and then a heavy mech dropped down.

“Damn it, they’re sending out heavy mechs,” he hissed over the comm.

“That little problem should take care of itself.” They watched as it fired on its handlers. It was eventually taken down and they had to use their own ammo to take out the rest.

“Looks like that’s all of them for now. Come find me before they regroup.” She went back up to his sniper’s den. “You’re kicking ass, Shepard. They barely touched me. And we got Jaroth in the process. I’ve been hunting that little bastard for months.”

“Why were you after him?”

“He’s been shipping tainted eezo all over Citadel space. Half the goods I seized back at C-Sec were from his crew here on Omega. I took out a big shipment a while back and killed his top lieutenant in the process. I’m not surprised he decided to work with the other mercs after that.”

“We’ve still got Blood Pack and Blue Suns left. Think we can make a break for it?”

“Maybe. Let’s see what they’re up to. Looks like they’ve reinforced the other side heavily, but they’re not coming across the bridge yet. What are they waiting for?”

A distant explosion made them all turn to see where it had come from. “What the hell was that?” Jacob asked, clearly getting irritated. Garrus pulled up his omni-tool.

“Damn, they’ve breached the lower levels. Well, they had to use their brains eventually. You’d better get down there, Shepard. I’ll keep the bridge clear.”

“I’m not leaving you up here alone.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I like the odds better with you having someone to watch your six.”

He looked back at her then. The way she said that made his heart swell, but he couldn’t figure out why. “I’ve been managing on my own just fine.”

“And you’re not on your own anymore. Jacob, stay with him. Keep him alive. Miranda, with me.” And with that, her team split and she took off down the stairs. They fought their way to both door controls and got them closed, managing to take out another band of mercs along the way. With one group left, things took a bad turn. They were discussing tactical options when a gun ship appeared out of the window. It took down Garrus’s shields before he managed to find cover. He leaned out to take a shot and took a rocket to his head.

“Garrus!” Shepard fired at the ship as she ran to him. She pulled him into cover with her and checked his vitals. _No, no, no! Not here, not like this._ She emptied two clips into the ship before bending back over him. He took a shaky breath and she sighed in relief. Another rocket exploded over them and she threw herself on top of him. The blast depleted her shields and put a few dents in her new armor, but that was the extent of the damage. She looked up, rage boiling her blood. She charged up her biotics and sprinted at the ship. Garrus was vaguely aware of what she was doing and that he should stop her, but he couldn’t focus enough to act. She flung herself at the ship, hitting it with a powerful blast of pure biotic energy. She bounced back into the building and tossed a grenade after it. It didn’t come back for a repeat performance. She picked herself up off the floor and ran back to him.

“That was stupid, Shepard. You could’ve been killed!” Miranda scolded her.

“But I wasn’t. That asshole had it coming, anyway.”

Miranda shook her head and radioed for medical evac. Back on the ship, Dr. Chakwas booted Shepard out of the med bay so she could work. With nothing else to do, she went to the comm room to debrief her squad.

____________________

“Commander, we’ve done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit. The doc’s corrected it with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell he’ll have full functionality,  but-” Jacob was cut off by the door sliding open.

“Shepard.”

“Tough son of a bitch. Didn’t think he’d be up yet.”

“No one would give me a mirror. How bad is it?”

“Hell, Garrus you were always ugly. Just slap some face paint on there and no one will notice,” she answered with a smile.

“Ha-ha, oh. Damn it, don’t make me laugh. My face is barely holding together as it is. You know, some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan.” She rolled her eyes at him. Jacob saluted her and left the room. “Frankly, Shepard, I’m more worried about you. Cerberus, really?”

“It’s a long story, Garrus. One I’m sure I’m ready to tell. But I’m glad you’re here. If I’m walking into hell, I want someone I trust watching my back.”

“You do realize this plan has me walking into hell, too? Just like old times. I’m fit for duty whenever you need me.” He stepped closer to her. “If you ever want to talk, I’ll be in the main battery.” He turned and walked away. She watched him leave and took a deep breath. _It’s so great to have him back._

She made her way to her quarters for a shower before going back to Omega to get the professor. As the steam cleared, she saw her reflection. She frowned at the scars that were left on her face. There was something fighting to push its way to the front of her mind, but she ignored it and got dressed.

Miranda stormed into her room. “Shepard, what you did down there was reckless.”

Shepard sighed, “I’m fine, Miranda.”

“Just because you feel fine doesn’t mean your cybernetics are. I’m checking you out to be sure.”

“It is really necessary?”

“Yes. Now stand still.” The woman commenced checking Shepard in an unnervingly thorough manner. “Your implants are fine, but you cannot stress yourself like that on a regular basis. They aren’t meant for that.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” And with that, Shepard escorted Miranda out of her room. “EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Next time you think I need ‘checked on’, call Garrus unless it’s undoubtedly my implants that are the problem.”

“Noted, Commander,” the AI answered.

She sighed again and left to get the Professor. She was glad she had decided not to bring Garrus with her. The plague seemed to be potent and fast acting. After helping Mordin cure it, he readily accepted her offer of a place on the _Normandy._ He quickly made himself comfortable and got to work. 


	4. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shep feels the need to apologize to her turian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are enjoying reading this!

Shepard retreated to her quarters and locked the door. She changed out of her sweaty under-suit into yoga pants and a white tank top that left her midsection bare. She hadn’t had time to think since waking up at the Cerberus base. It had been weeks. She let her mind wander. Two years. That was a long time to be gone. She wondered what had changed. It seemed not much had, but then again she hadn’t really looked. She was the same. At least she felt the same. She remembered everything she’d done, still felt embarrassment over old mistakes, regret at missed opportunities. She looked in the mirror. Her eyes were still hers, the same deep blue that had caused her to call them her favorite feature. She pulled her hair out of the bun she always kept it in. It was longer now, the only evidence of time passing. It was still the same reddish-brown color and was still soft to her touch. She gathered it back into a loose ponytail. She still had the same lips that always seemed to wear a little smile, the same nose. The scars were new. Scars. She glanced down to her wrists. Those scars were gone.

_“I want you to promise me something.”_

_“What?”_

_“That no matter what happens; you’ll come to me to prove you’re alive. I don’t want to see any more scars.”_

_“I promise, no more scars.”_

She gasped. How could she have forgotten that? Her body was covered with new scars, even if the offending ones had been erased. She felt the need to apologize for them. But why? These weren’t her fault, where they? Yes, she died. That’s why she had them. She ran out of the room. As soon as the doors opened to the crew deck she bolted to the gun battery, running into Garrus because she was going too fast to stop. She bounced off of his solid form, slipping to the side.

“Shepard, is everything alright?” He asked as he caught her before she went flying over the railing. He helped her stand upright and she couldn’t help but notice his hand on her waist.

“I’m sorry; I had a minor freak out and really shouldn’t have just burst in here like that.”

“Are you okay?” He kept his hand on her waist as the other moved to her shoulder.

“I’m fine. Kind of. Okay,” she took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I broke my promise.”

He tilted his head in confusion. “What?”

She touched her face, her voice quiet. “Scars.”

He started at her for a moment, finally realizing what she meant. That conversation had been over two years ago for him, but only months for her. “Why are you apologizing for those?” He took his hand off her shoulder to take one of her hands and flipped it to expose her wrist. All of the lines were gone.

“I promised I wouldn’t give myself anymore scars.”

“You didn’t give yourself those,” he lightly touched the orange lines on her face.

“It’s my fault I have them. I -” Her breath caught.

He gave her a puzzled look as he pulled his hands away. A look of disappointment ghosted across her face. “I’m not sure I follow.”

She sighed and sat down, pulling her knees to her chest. “When the _Normandy_ went down, I went down with it, Garrus. I died.”

“But how. . ?”

“Cerberus brought me back to fight the Collectors. I’m held together with cybernetics and skin. I wasn’t hiding or undercover, I was dead. Jacob said I was just meat and tubes when they recovered my . . . body.”

_It was true, then. How could I have believed otherwise_? “Shepard,” he paused, unsure of what to say. She wouldn’t look at him. He let his eyes wander over her, deciding if she really was herself. He’d never seen her in such casual clothes. The formfitting pants hugged her long legs and her- he stopped himself before his mind went there. He moved up her body, noticing her exposed stomach. It was toned, to say the least. There were more glowing lines across her ribs. The white tank top fitted snuggly over her chest and shoulders. Her hair was hanging back loosely, strands falling in her face. Her eyes were boring a hole in the wall, rather than looking at him. He sighed, “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never had a conversation with someone who died.”

She gave him a halfhearted smile. “Any questions about the great beyond?” She teased.

“What was it like? If you feel up to talking about it.”

“I need to talk it out sooner or later. Might as well be on my own terms with someone I trust.”

“I’ll listen as long as you’ll talk.”

“Well, I don’t remember anything about any kind of afterlife. Maybe I never went to one since I didn’t stay dead. I don’t know. I don’t remember much. I don’t know if you want to hear about what I do remember.”

He crouched next to her, “If you need to talk about it, I’ll be here. You know that.”

She sighed, “Just remember, you offered.”

“Fair enough.” He sat on his cot, facing her.

“Kaidan told me Joker wouldn’t abandon ship. I sent off the distress beacon and ordered Kaidan to an escape shuttle. I headed to the cockpit to get him. I tried to send a message, but I’d be damned if I could tell you who I sent it to or if they got it.”

“You sent it to me.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I got it right after Anderson told me the ship had crashed,” he answered. He decided he wouldn’t elaborate.

“Garrus, I’m so sorry. That-”

“Don’t worry about it.” He cut her off. “Next time, could you maybe send flowers or something? That message was a bit unnerving.”

“What was it?”

“I still have it. I can show you.” He held up his omni-tool and played it back. Her face paled.

“I shouldn’t have sent that. I’m sorry.”

“Was it really that bad, Shepard?”

“Yes. There was . . . a hole. I had to walk through it to get to Joker.” Her hands balled into fists.

“You don’t have to keep going. If it’s too much, I understand.” He wasn’t sure how much more he could hear.

“I just pushed through it. I couldn’t leave him behind. He didn’t want to leave that ship. Neither did I, but we didn’t have a choice. I had to pretty much throw him into the shuttle.” She continued as if he hadn’t said anything, her voice soft and wavering, “I was pulling myself in when . . . there was an explosion. It tore the ship out from under me. I couldn’t get back to the shuttle. All I could do was push the launch button. I watched the shuttles clear the burning wreck and I was happy, floating there. My crew was safe. Then I tried to breathe and-” she buried her face in her hands. She didn’t have to say anything for him to guess what happened. He moved closer so he could put his arm around her. “It was so damn cold, Garrus.”

“It’s okay, Shepard.”

“Does this make me weak?”

“Hello no. Just means you’re alive.”

They sat in silence for a moment before she moved away from him. She squared her shoulders as she stood. “I’m sorry for rushing in like I did. I’m still getting used to being alive.”

“Well, I’ve never had anyone say that to me before. I’d prefer if it didn’t happen again.”

“I don’t want to have cause to say it again.” She smiled over her shoulder as she left.

He stayed where he was for a long minute. He could still smell her, the warm clean spice that was her unique scent, but now it had a metallic note as well. He looked down at his talons. His mind wandered to how smooth her skin felt to him. He found himself wanting to feel it against his chest. He roughly pushed _that_ thought aside. He thought about the first _Normandy_. He remembered how broken it had looked in her last message and shuddered. There had been a hole in it big enough for her to walk through. And she had saved Joker at the price of her life. No wonder the pilot had taken so hard. Anderson had said she saved him before she went down, but he had no idea that saving him was the reason she died. It was a characteristic Shepard thing to do. He bet she even told him it wasn’t his fault. She forced himself to stand. He started on his calibrations, but his mind kept going back to the look on her face . . .

_“I was happy, floating there. My crew was safe.” A smile spread across her face, her eyes distant. “Then I tried to breath and-” Her face was panicked. It was the first time he had seen her scared._

He shook his head. He couldn’t have gone through it, he knew that much. He turned away from the console and pulled his visor off. The damn thing had been flashing a video warning at him since he’d left Omega and he figured now was a good time to see it. It pulled up video from the day Shepard had found him on the Spirits-forsaken rock. He gasped when he saw what had happened after the rocket hit him.

_“Garrus!” Shepard fired at the ship as she ran to him. She pulled him into cover with her and checked his vitals. Different emotions ran across her face. She emptied two clips into the ship before bending back over him. He took a shaky breath and she sighed in relief. Another rocket exploded over them and she threw herself on top of him. The blast depleted her shields and put a few dents in her new armor, but that was the extent of the damage. She looked up, rage boiling her blood. She charged up her biotics and sprinted at the ship. He had been vaguely aware of what she was doing and that he should stop her, but he couldn’t focus enough to act. She flung herself at the ship, hitting it with a powerful blast of pure biotic energy. She bounced back into the building and tossed a grenade after it. It didn’t come back for a repeat performance. She picked herself up off the floor and ran back to him._

He growled quietly. It was the same move she’d pulled with Saren. At least it proved it really was her. No one else would be that rash. He’d need to have a talk with her about that. 


	5. Hate the Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus sees a different side of his commander, as well as more of her than he intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Enjoy!

Shepard left the main battery shaking, despite the smile she had plastered on her face. She quickly made her way back to the elevator and went back to her room. She had not been intending to talk about her death, but she had laid it out for him and he just let her talk, had tried to help even. That was something she was not used to. She helped people, not the other way around. And why had she _liked_ his hand on her waist? She took a deep, steadying breadth and looked through the rest of the dossiers. Shepard decided Okeer was going to be the next stop, after the Citadel. Anderson had asked her to come see him. She tried to sleep after plotting the course but couldn’t. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see the flaming wreck of her ship falling from the sky. What was one sleepless night?

\--------------------

The Citadel looked better than the last time she had seen it. It wasn’t broken and burning and overrun with geth. She made her way to Anderson. He didn’t have much to say considering the circumstances. She talked to the Council and accepted her Specter status as a compromise again. She wandered around the markets, picking up new weapons, armor and fish and a hamster for her room. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so lifeless if there was something else living there. She found the master thief and let her find her way back to the ship. She followed and plotted a course for the krogan, not stopping for a break. She went to run on the treadmill until she nearly collapsed and then fired up the sparring VI until her shoulders trembled. She passed Garrus on the way back to her room.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked.

"Fine, why?"

"You look exhausted."

"That bad?"

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Um, two, no three days ago. Why?"

"Shepard! You need to rest or you'll never see the end of the mission."

"I'll be fine."

"Garrus, I need to see you. Now." Dr. Chakwas said as the med bay doors opened.

"Can it wait?"

"No. I said now, Vakarian. Don't make me come get you."

Shepard smirked and darted to the elevator.

\-------------------- 

Garrus was leaving the med bay after the doctor had cornered him and insisted on checking on his facial scars. He was still worried about Shepard and was planning on putting her to bed himself, if he had to.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Mr. Vakarian?"

"Where is Shepard?"

"The commander has retired to bed."

"Is she actually sleeping?"

"Yes."

"Thanks." He nodded to himself and made his way to the gun battery.

“Logging you out.”

 --------------------

“Mr. Vakarian?” EDI’s blue orb popped up behind him.

“What?” He was just getting ready to grab some shut eye and was not happy to hear the AI.

“I have been banned from contacting Operative Lawson when Shepard is in need of assistance.”

“So? I’m sure the commander can take care of herself.”

“The water in her cabin is running unusually hot.”

“Why should I care about her bathing habits?” He asked wearily.

“It is past the scalding temperature for human skin.”

That got his attention. “Is the door to her cabin unlocked?”

“One moment. Yes.”

He rushed to the elevator and punched the button for her floor, glad the rest of the crew was asleep. He doubted they would really know what to do with a shirtless turian keying in the floor of the woman in charge. He paced in the small space. As soon as the doors opened he was in her cabin in three steps.

“Shepard?” There was no answer, just loud music and rushing water. “Shepard, are you okay?”  A loud bang came from the bathroom. Without a second thought, he hacked the lock and stood waiting for the steam to clear. He searched for her under the running water and as his eyes fell lower, so did his heart. She was laying on the floor, the water washing over her. He dropped to his knees next to her. She was facing away from him; her back was an angry shade of red and part of it was starting to swell. He reached for her, the water hot even to him. He froze, realizing his commanding officer was _naked_. She groaned and tried to lift her head, instead managing to roll herself face up. Her long hair had conveniently fallen across her chest. He refused to look lower. “Shepard?”

“Garrus?” She whispered.

“Shepard, I need to get you out of the water.”

“No.”

“What? What in the hell is the matter with you?”

“I-” Her voice faded and her face fell back into the water. He turned off the water and scooped her up, pressing her body against his. When his rough arms wrapped around her burned back she whimpered. He laid her gently on her side on the bed. Out of the water, it looked worse. A patch on her shoulder was blistering and peeling. There was partially used medi-gel on the bedside table. He used almost the entire tube coating her back in it. He noticed the angry red marks stretching around to her front and gritted his teeth. He rolled her over and used the rest of the salve on her chest and stomach. Even as his talons passed over her, she remained stoic and unmoving. He tossed the empty container in the trash and stood, unsure of what to do. She started shaking and her eyes opened wide in panic. She leapt off the bed like it had bitten her.

“Shepard, what’s wrong?” He asked, gently. She stumbled and he moved to catch her so her raw skin wouldn’t hit her wall locker. She huddled into his warmth, her hair falling in her face. She started to sob. “Shepard, it’s alright. You’re okay.” She flinched when his talons touched her back. He pulled the blanket off of her bed and wrapped in around her before picking her up and holding her close. He sat on her bed, cradling her. She pushed her face into his chest plates.

“Hate the cold.” She murmured into him.

_“It was so damn cold, Garrus.”_

_Was she dreaming about what it was like when she was lost in the void?_

He held her tighter until she stopped shaking. He loosened his hold, expecting her to jump up and tell him to get out. Instead she curled closer. His heart raced and he knew she could feel it. She snaked an arm around his neck and pulled herself back into his arms. He held her again and wanted to say something to break the silence.

“So, you banned Miranda from helping?” He teased softly.

“She was developing the habit of breaking into my room and submitting me to inappropriate tests. I told EDI to stop having her check up on me unless it was my implants acting up.”

“Right. How do I figure into this?”

“You’re complaining?”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly in my job description to pull my naked female CO out of scalding water early in the morning.”

“Fair enough.”

“What the hell were you doing, Shepard?”

“I don’t really know. I fell asleep in this cabin, but woke up back on the old _Normandy_. I had no fucking clue what happened. I went through the whole damn thing again and I was just so cold. I wanted to be warm again, make sure I was still alive. Sometimes I wonder if this is all some dream my mind conjured up, just waiting for my body to give in.”

“What did I say about coming to me to prove you’re alive?” He pushed her hair out of her face.

“I thought you were still on the Citadel. Not my fault.”

“Okay, I’ll give you this one.”

“This one? I’m not planning on there ever being another one.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. One night of this bullshit is more than enough. I’ll go back to being determined and courageous.”

“Is reckless thrown into that, too?”

“Probably. I need to do something to keep you on your toes.”

“About that. No more charging gunships, okay?”

“Fine, then you can’t head-butt anymore rockets.”

“Damn. Looks like I’m going to have to change my battle strategy.” Talking with her like this, he could almost forget the reason he had ended up in her room. Not to mention the fact that she was still wearing nothing but a blanket and cuddled into his chest.

“You and me both.” She pushed away from him gently and stood, swaying slightly. He stood quickly and offered her a steadying hand. She smiled her thanks and sighed. “I guess I should get dressed.”

“Might be a good idea.”

“So, care to explain why you’re in my quarters, without a shirt?”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“Well, these are _my_ quarters.”

“Point taken. I was getting ready to catch some sleep when EDI mentioned that you might need assistance.”

“And you just ran up here without getting dressed?”

“Didn’t seem important.”

“I guess I should be glad you at least have pants on.” She teased.

“And how am I supposed to feel about you wearing a bed sheet?”

“Blanket.” She corrected and let it slide down her body as she tugged on a clean set of clothes. He shifted uncomfortably and examined the ceiling of the cabin. He’d seen naked women before, both human and otherwise. Part of him wanted to look at her, take in the smooth contours of her skin, but she was his commander and closest friend. He kept his eyes away from her until the top of her head appeared in front of him.

“Feel better?” He asked dryly.

“Well enough. I’m going for a workout. Coming?”

“Sure, it’s not like I need sleep.”

“Sleep when you’re dead, Vakarian.” She laughed and headed for the door.

“I’ll hold you to that,” he retorted as he followed her out. 


	6. Being Right on the Wrong Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good chunk of the game in one chapter.

Down in the on-board gym, he lazily watched her spar with the VI. She was vicious. She was clearly working something out of her system. She flung herself into the exercise with a ferocity that almost scared him. He turned the VI off.

“I think it needs a break.” He said to her glare.

“I don’t.”

“Never said _you_ did.” He moved to the sparring ring. “Just figured you’d want a smarter target.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You brought this on yourself.”

“Don’t I always?” He stepped into place and she lunged at him.

“So, what the hell happened on Omega?”

“Pissed people off.” He countered her swing.

“I noticed. I want details.” She spun and sent an elbow to his midsection. He staggered from the blow.

“I left C-Sec. I couldn’t focus.” He aimed a punch at her shoulder. “With you gone, it all fell apart. I couldn’t watch it anymore.”

She countered and made a weak pass. “And Omega seemed like the best option?”

He dodged her swing. “Easy place to get lost in.” He swiped her legs out from under her. “Thought I might make a difference.”

The air left her lungs as she hit the mat. “And your squad?” She gasped out.

“I learned from the best.” He tried to pin her down. “Shout enough pretty words and people will take up arms and follow.”

She rolled out of his reach. “I do not shout.”

“Who says I was talking about you?” He lunged at her.

“Stop avoiding the question.” She ducked under his swing and landed a hit to his back.

“Bare-faced coward betrayed us.” He grabbed her arm and launched her over his shoulder.

“Yeah, and?” She wrenched her arm out of his grip, flipped in mid-air and landed on her feet.

“That’s a new move.” He faked a swing right and got her with his left.

“First time I tried it.” She kicked at his hip.

“That bastard got everyone else killed. Then they went after me.” He sidestepped her blow.

“And that’s when I show up.” She stood up straight. He followed suit. “How long were you there?”

“Long enough.”

She regarded him coolly. Sensing that was all she was going to get out of him, she said, “Your moves have gotten rusty. You used to kick my ass.”

“I was going easy on you since your back is still a pretty shade of red. Besides, you’ve gotten better.”

“Excuses, excuses.” She shook her head and smiled at him, “This was fun. Up for round two sometime?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he grinned back. “And I was talking about you, you know.”

“I know. Come on, we have a krogan and a convict to collect.”

 ----------------------

Standing in the ruined lab over the dead krogan warlord, Shepard sighed. She looked to the tank bread “perfect” krogan he had died to protect.

“Joker, Okeer is a no go. But I have a package that needs pick up. And he’s a big one.”

 ...........

Pinned against the wall of the cargo hold by the krogan, Shepard could almost laugh. If she could breathe. Suspended there, he asked her his name and purpose. Satisfied with her answers he lets her feet touch the ground again and agrees to work with her. She nodded and left him to his thoughts. She passed Garrus on the crew deck on the way to Miranda’s office.

“Reckless,” he muttered.

“Not a gunship,” she retorted.

She waited until the door slid closed behind her before she spoke. “EDI said you wanted to talk?”

“Yes, please sit. I’m in a complicated situation and I find I need your help.”

“What can I do?”

“It’s about my sister.”

\------------------- 

“Is there anyone in this damned galaxy that doesn’t try to shoot you, Shepard?” Garrus yelled over the bullets flying past him.

“Not really, no.” She answered as she dropped one of the prison guards.

“I like it!” Grunt shouted as he charged into the cluster of enemies. She watched as Garrus vaulted out of cover and side stepped a grenade, shoving the butt of his rifle into some poor bastard’s face. She let loose a biotic shockwave that threw the remaining guards into the walls with bone crushing force. They moved quickly and carefully out of the room.

“Reckless,” she hissed at Garrus.

“Not a rocket.” He shot back.

After a few dozen more guards and the warden finally falling even though he had overpowered shields, they found Jack. An argument and a death threat later, she had holed herself up under the engineering deck with all the files she could read.

 --------------------

_Here’s to hoping Mordin is as good I think he is._ Her feet crunched the soft grass of Horizon as she left the shuttle. Garrus and Grunt followed her out. The colony was eerily quiet. She almost wondered if they were too late until the found the seekers. And then there was the bug that said her name.

“That’s not creepy at all.” She said breathlessly as the last one fell.

“I’d find it flattering.” Garrus said, mockingly.

“Right, because you want to be the one on their shit list.”

“If it means they shout my name like that, why not?”

“What the hell is that?” They had stumbled on a cluster of pods and frozen colonists. They continued to shoot their way through until they found the AA gun controls the coward in the bunker had told them about. One hell of a fight later, Shepard growled curses under her breadth watching the Collector ship leave with over half the colony. She hardly noticed the man berating her. What caught her attention was Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko calling her a ghost. She was happy to see another friendly face but, of course, the feeling didn’t last long. In front of everyone, he called her out, throwing around the implications of her being a _traitor_ and a _fool_ , and even acted like it was her fault she died. And then he walked away, telling her to be careful like she was some incompetent child. It made Garrus’s blood boil. He turned to Shepard and whatever sardonic comment he had ready died in his throat when he saw the look on her face.

“Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this colony.”

She was silent on the shuttle. Garrus watched her hop off of it and get in the elevator before they could say two words to her. He sighed, hoping she would be alright.

He had finished cleaning his weapons and armor and stowed them. He had run the calibrations twice. He was officially out of things to do and he had yet to see Shepard. He emerged from the gun battery and scanned the mess. With no sign of her, he went to her cabin. It was empty except for a few fish and a squeaky brown thing on the shelf. He fed the fish and went back down to the CIC. He checked the armory and then the tech lab.

“Ah, Garrus,” Mordin said as he entered.

“Hey, have you seen Shepard?”

“Not recently. While you’re here, have been working with Doctor Chakwas. Have new procedure to heal facial scars. Offered it to Shepard. Said she’d think about it.”

“Yeah, I will too. Thanks, Mordin.”

“Check gym, if you haven’t yet. Good way to release tension for humans.”

He made his way down to the gym and sure enough she was blasting music and running at full tilt on the odd machine she seemed so fond of. She was dripping with sweat and he wondered how long she had kept up that pace. He waited until she started her cool down before speaking.

“Need to fight it out?”

“If you’re offering.” She hopped down and sauntered to the sparring ring. He followed and waited for her to move.

“Don’t mind what Kaidan said.” He stepped past her first punch.

“It’s the way he said it that pissed me off.” She aimed a low hit to his gut.

“He’s an ass.” He caught her arm and pulled her into his elbow.

“No, he’s scared.” She spun away.

“Of what?” He asked, kicking toward her chest.

“Of being wrong on the right side.” She grabbed his foot and used it unbalance him.

“Are you scared?” He toppled gracefully, falling into a low stance.

“No. I know where I stand and why I’m here.” She vaulted over him, spinning and slamming into his back.

“Then why are you so pissed?” He caught her with his leg and pulled her down.

“Because I’ve never had to deal with someone walking away like that. I’ve only dealt with them dying- my crew, my family.” She landed roughly.

“That’s bleak.” He pinned her to the mat.

“It’s true. I’m pissed because that night before Ilos he said how much he cared and wanted to be there for me and then when I needed him most he fucking walked away like it was my fault he couldn’t handle it!” She threw him off and aimed a solid kick at his chest.

“Then he’s not worth it.” He staggered from her blow.

“I’m glad I never let him in my bed. At least I don’t regret that.” She lunged forward.

“Small favors.” He sidestepped her and slammed the heel of his hand into her shoulder.

“Don’t I know it?” She attempted a backhand swing.

“What else is on your mind?” He blocked her weak hit.

“Got a message from Hackett.” She threw her elbow towards his neck.

“What did he have to say? Still trying to get you to do favors?” He ducked under her arm and hit her ribs.

“In a way. They found where the _Normandy_ went down.” She stumbled back.

“What?” He jabbed at her ribs again.

“He wants me to place a memorial at its final resting place, try to find the tags of the crew still listed as MIA and just be the first one to walk through it.” She jumped back to avoid his hit and kicked at his legs.

“Are you going to?” He jumped over her strike.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. But I know I should.” She sat on the mat breathing heavily.

“Well, it’s up to you. But I’ll be here.” He dropped himself next to her.

“You’re always here.” She nudged him with her shoulder and smiled.

“Why did he tell you about it?”

“I have no idea. Maybe he’s screwing with me. Maybe it’s a test.”

“How do you figure?”

“If Cerberus really did bring me back as the exact same person, I wouldn’t hesitate to put those souls to rest.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there.”

“I’m hesitating. Maybe I’m not the same.”

“You are the same. Shepard, you died there. That’s got to be a hard thing to face.”

“Yeah.” She sighed. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Commander?” EDI’s blue orb popped up.

“Yes, EDI?”

“Jacob wishes to speak with you.”

“Thanks, EDI. I’ll be right up.”

Garrus stood and offered her a hand. She took it and he hoisted her up. He remembered the last time he had pulled her up like that. It had been their first time sparring after her joined her crew.

_“Good moves, Vakarian. I think I might learn something from you.”_

_“You let me win,” he retorted._

_“Right. Because I love the feeling of hitting the ground hard.” She rolled her eyes at him._

_They laughed and he pulled her to her feet. His talon caught in her bracelet._

_“Careful with that!”_

_“Oh, sorry.”_

_“It’s fine. I’m a little obsessively protective over it.”_

_“Can I ask why?”_

_“It was my mother’s. She gave it to me, just days before the slavers hit.”_

_“Oh, right. Mindior.”_

_“Yeah. It’s stupid really. There was a necklace, too but I wasn’t wearing it and I didn’t have time to go back to get it. The bracelet is just all I have left now.” She ran her fingers over it, a sad smile pulling at her lips._

_“At least you have something.”_

 

“Shepard, you’re not wearing your bracelet.”

“I know. I don’t know what happened to it,” she said sadly, glancing to her bare wrist.

“I’m sorry. I know it meant a lot to you.”

She shrugged and turned toward the elevator. She could think of nothing to say so she shrugged again and left him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I went a little out of order, but I needed to twist it to make it work. Thanks for reading!


	7. An Old Friend and an Older Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yay loyalty missions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! Hope you're enjoying :)

Illium. It’s only redeeming quality was that it had Liara in the spiraling towers. As far as Shepard was concerned, they couldn’t get back to the ship fast enough. At least they got two new powerful members for the suicide squad. Once they were settled, Shepard disappeared into her cabin for some sleep.

\------------------

Hours of tossing and turning later, Shepard huffed and threw off the blankets. She tugged on clothes and checked her reflection to make sure she looked at least decent before heading down to the CIC. There were planets to scan, after all.

\------------------

Back in her cabin, she slumped in her chair going thru her to-do list. There was Miranda’s sister, Jacob’s father, Thane’s son, Samara’s daughter, Kasumi’s heist, Zaeed’s ex-partner, Jack’s bomb, Mordin’s student, and whatever was wrong with Grunt. Now all she needed to top it off was Sidonis and finding Tali. The wreckage of her old ship still haunted the back of her mind as well. She sighed heavily and decided a shower and coffee was a good place to start. She rolled her shoulders under the warm water, trying to ease the tension that was building there. She looked at herself in the mirror again; checking to make sure everything was in place. She decided to swing by the med bay and get her scars erased so she felt more alive and less like she was falling apart. When she finally dragged herself to the CIC she was greeted by the ever chipper Kelly Chambers who dutifully informed her that she had unread messages. She smiled and nodded her thanks as she plotted a course for Tuchanka. _Two birds with one stone._

_\------------------_

The planet was a hot mess of rubble and dust. Shepard and her squad picked their way through it until she saw a familiar scarred face. She and Wrex talked for a while and he seemed to be the only one who didn’t give a shit what color her ship was. She opted to help Mordin first, since his former student seemed to be running out of time.

They fought their way through a hoard of angry krogan in a hospital. She vaguely remembered Garrus making some smartass comment about antique stores being more fun. They came across a brainwashed scout that, with some motivation from Shepard, made his way back to his clan. When they finally found Maelon, he fought it out with Mordin about ethics and guilt. Shepard intervened when Mordin drew his gun and his student ran before Mordin changed his mind. After talking it out with himself, he kept the data. A quick run back to the ship and they set off again to help Grunt with the Rite of Passage.

Talking with the clan Shaman, there was one krogan badmouthing Grunt, saying that he was nothing more than a tank-bred mutt. It was the same one fighting with Wrex when they had first arrived. Shepard got so fed up with him that she slammed her head into his, mimicking the krogan head-butt. The gesture endured her to the Shaman. Garrus shook his head as she smirked at him. They followed the Shaman to the rough tank like vehicle that would take them to the sacred grounds.

“Really, Shepard? Head-butting a krogan?” He asked once they started moving.

“Jealous?”

“You know it.”

She leaned back in her seat, a smile pulling at her lips. For the first time since she found him on Omega, Garrus thought she looked almost like herself. Almost.

They fought klixon and varren in waves. When the last one fell, the silence was heavy with expectancy.

“That can’t be it,” Grunt pouted. “I thought it was supposed to be a challenge.”

“No, there’s more coming. I can feel it. Check your weapons and ammo. Now’s a good time to restock.” Shepard stood tensely.

“Do you feel that?” Garrus looked around as the ground started to tremble.

Shepard’s knuckles went white around her rifle and she gasped, “No.”

“I feel it, too,” Grunt growled.

“Get down!” Shepard shrieked. There was a note of primal fear in her voice that made Garrus’s blood run cold. He and Grunt followed the order and he turned to see Shepard still rooted to the same spot.

“Shepard, what are you doing?” He called. She still didn’t move. The ground shook violently and a thresher maw erupted from the rubble. She fired wildly at it before turning and running to cover like a green rooky. He muttered to himself, “What’s the deal with Shepard and thresher maws?”

“There’s a thresher down there? Aw, shit. Akuze. Threshers got her entire squad, she was the only one left by the time help came,” Joker answered over the comm.

“Damnit.” Garrus hissed. Grunt ran straight at the giant worm, headless of the acid flying past him.

Shepard crouched, shaking and lost somewhere in her past. She could smell smoke and acid and death. She could hear the screams and feel the ground shake as more of her team was pulled away.

“I am krrrooogaaan!” Grunt shouted as he made another mad charge at the thresher maw. Garrus pumped it full of bullets but it did not deter it. That sound, _there aren’t any krogan on Akuze,_ was what brought Shepard back to the present moment. She squared her shoulders and peered around at Grunt. She darted out and ran after him. She reached him as the thresher hacked more acid. She roughly grabbed the krogan and tossed him away from the pungent green stream. Wreathed in a biotic glow, she charged at the giant worm, pulling it out of the ground with the force of the blow. She landed on its head and fired into it, with Grunt and Garrus shooting at its gaping mouth. It thrashed wildly until Shepard lost her hold and went flying. She landed roughly on her back on the ruble. Trembling, she dragged herself to her feet. The thresher disappeared back under ground.

“It’s not dead yet. Stay sharp.” Her voice was rough.

“Shepard, that was-” Garrus started.

“ _Not_ a gunship. You should be more specific next time.” She offered a weak smile. The ground started shaking again and the thresher maw popped up four meters behind them. She turned and fired, her only thought _I will not let it take them, too._ She launched a grenade at it as it let loose another toxic stream of acid. She made no move to dodge it and reloaded her rifle, intent on bringing it down.

“Shepard!” Garrus sprinted to her and grabbed her by her waist, spinning her out of the way just half a second too late. Grunt got the kill shot as they tumbled to the side. She was on her feet in an instant, ripping the armor off the arm Garrus had slung around her waist. She tossed the armguard aside and examined his rough skin for any sigh that the acid had leaked thru. From her crouch, he couldn’t see the acid eating away at her armor.

“What the hell were you thinking, Garrus? That was so-”

“Not a rocket.” He gave her a turian smirk and she glared back at him. He knew he would hear about it back on the ship.

“Company.” The krogan that Shepard had knocked heads with came in with guns blazing. They beat him down without a problem.

“Ha! That was fun!” Grunt bellowed, slamming his fists together.

“Glad you enjoyed yourself. Ah, to be young again, huh Shepard?” Garrus chuckled and bent to pick up his discarded armguard. There was hardly a mark on it, only a couple running across the very edges. _Wait . . ._

“Battle master? There are no enemies left to fight.” Grunt said, warily.

“Shepard?” Garrus shouted now, “Shepard!” How could have lost sight of her? His thoughts raced as he checked the uneven battle field. He finally found her leaning against a half collapsed column, both arms wrapped around her middle. The armor on her shoulder was fizzing as the last bit of acid chewed through it. He deftly yanked her ruined armor off and tossed it aside, rubbing a thick layer of medi-gel on her. He radioed for medical evac and watched her delicate skin fester. Grunt gathered her armor before jumping on the shuttle after them.


	8. A Fair Trade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few more loyalty missions and a friendly hug

After being kicked out of the med bay, Garrus had to do something to keep himself occupied. He settled on cleaning his weapons and armor. He polished them all to a shine and reached for the next thing on the rack. It was Shepard’s gear. He sighed heavily, fighting down the wave of guilt that came up. He cleaned her weapons first and set them aside. He looked over the armor, piecing out the salvageable parts and setting to work on them.  He finished with an armguard and set it next to his. He moved to the next piece and stopped. He looked back over to her armguard, which he had laid next to his own. He picked up both and held them closer. The gouges on hers ended where the ones on his picked up. He put hers over his and it suddenly made sense. He didn’t hear the doors swish open behind him.

She could see the rigid set of his shoulders and could easily guess what was running through his mind. She searched for something to say, but it all felt wrong. She put her hand on his shoulder and he spun a little too fast. He was still holding both of the armguards. The look in his face broke her heart. He could hardly believe that she was standing in front of him in her fatigues, looking no worse than if she had come from a work out. She was worried about him; he could see it in her eyes. He set the armor pieces down and took her hand. She squeezed his talons and moved her arms around his neck. He hesitantly put his around her waist. She pulled him into a tight hug, resting her head against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Me too.”

“I wasn’t thinking, not really. I just couldn’t lose anyone else to one of those damned worms.”

“I should have known about the thresher maw.”

“How could you have known? It’s not something I talk about.”

“Joker knew,” he replied stiffly.

“Joker was in the Alliance and probably read my file.”

“I have a question about the thresher.” He tried to steer the conversation away from the Alliance.

She looked up at him. “What?”

“You had no problems fighting them in the Mako.”

“Exactly. The Mako. There’s a big difference. In the Mako you can’t smell the acid of feel the tremors.”

“Makes sense.”

“You know what hurts more than the acid?”

“What?”

She pulled away from him and tugged her shirt off of her shoulder. “This nasty thing,” she indicated a deep purple bruise.

“When did you get that?”

“Remember when I landed on its head and it threw me off?”

“How could I forget?”

“Yeah, well rubble hurts.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

She smiled again and stepped around him. “My armor looks like shit.”

“Oh thanks. Even after all the hard work I put into it.” He feigned a pout.

“I don’t think you could even fix this,” she held up the ruined chest piece. “Looks like we’re heading to the Citadel. Then I have a party to go to.”

“Would this party have anything to do with a certain thief?”

“Perhaps.”

“Please be careful.”

“This should be easy. Get in, steal it, get out.”

“When will you learn that nothing we do is ever easy?”

“Then here’s to hoping for a pleasant surprise.”

“Right, let me know how that goes.”

She just smiled and gave his talons one last squeeze before leaving. He stared after her. He would never understand that woman. She had developed the habit of using little gestures, like the one she just demonstrated, to convey things. He had searched the extranet and was left even more confused. These little things could be a sign of trust and friendship, or be a display of romantic interest. It was times like this that he wished she was a turian. Flirting in his species was much more black and white. With humans, there was too much grey. He didn’t know what the hell to do with grey. He let his mind drift to the possibility that she was interested in him, no matter how slight a possibility it was. He had never considered humans particularly attractive. He found them weak in fact. But her, there was nothing weak about her. She was the very embodiment of strength. And damn but she was beautiful. The way her blue eyes sparkled and her ringing laugh and long hair made him weak in the knees. He would be the last to admit that he was falling for her, but deep down he knew he was. He shook his head and got back to work.

 -------------------

A few more fish and a new set of armor later, Shepard grimaced at the dress.

“Are you sure I have to wear this?”

“It’s a formal party, Shep. Armor and fatigues aren’t exactly going to blend in.” Kasumi replied.

“You owe me for this,” Shepard hissed as she pulled on the skin tight leather.

“You roped me into a suicide mission!”

“And you put in me in heels. Hardly a fair trade.”

“We need to discuss our differences. Most people would think I’m going easy on you.”

“I’m a solider. I don’t do heels.”

“Well, tonight you are Miss Alison Gunn. And she does.”

Shepard sighed heavily as they made their way to the elevator. She wrestled with the fabric, trying to get it to feel ‘right’. She gave up and turned to Kasumi, “So, I hope you’re planning on filling me in on the plan you seem to have.”

“Of course, as soon as-” Kasumi stopped and Shepard kept walking, right into Garrus.

“Shepard, hey, I was hoping to . . . What are you wearing?” He gaped.

“Blame the thief.”

“I keep telling you, it’s a _formal_ party.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“You look . . . great.” Garrus breathed.

Shepard smiled up at him, “You really like it?”

“Hock won’t be able to keep his eyes off you!” Kasumi confirmed. Garrus suppressed a growl. _That better be the only thing he can’t keep off her._

“Right, the man of the hour.”

“Yeah, we should be going.”

“Lead the way.” Shepard gave Garrus one last smile as she followed the thief to the shuttle.

 -------------------

“A gunship, really Shepard?” Garrus asked around a mouthful of food.

She rolled her eyes at him from across the mess hall table, “I didn’t charge it. The damn thing never got low enough.”

“Then maybe I should thank whoever was flying it.”

“Good luck. He’s dead.”

Garrus chuckled, “Well in that case, I have some calibrations to finish.”

“Of course you do. Finish up fast, we’re going to Zorya!”

“Why?”

“Zaeed wants to kill his old business partner.”

“Wonderful. I’ll be ready.”

She laughed and stood, tossing her uneaten food in the trash. With a wave, she went to her cabin, intent on getting some rest before making it to the planet. She found out quickly that it wasn’t going to happen. Even with the heat blasting in her cabin, she felt cold, everything she touched chilling her more. Shepard sat cross-legged on her bed, finally giving up on sleep. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt rested or truly slept. She reread the mission brief the mercenary had given her for the fourth time. She huffed in frustration and threw it on the bed. A workout always helped. Even if Garrus was too preoccupied to spar, she could run or fire up the VI. It was worth a shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and the kudoes! Means a lot!


	9. What Makes You Feel Alive?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fluff, yay!

Garrus watched the commander hoist herself into the shuttle. She didn’t seem like herself today. She was slow to react, barely missing the bullets flying at her, sometimes not even moving until after one or two hit her. This mission was particularly hard on her it seemed. She rested her head in her hands as the shuttle took them back to the ship. The sag of her shoulders concerned him nearly as much as the grey circles under her eyes. She looked like hell. She straightened up and rolled her shoulders. She caught his gaze and gave him a weary smile. He nodded and her smile faltered. With an unspoken communication, he knew to meet her in her room back on the ship.

It took longer than he liked to get everything taken care of back on the Normandy. Almost two hours after they docked, he climbed into the elevator and rode it up to her private floor. His stomach knotted when the door slid open. She was sitting on the couch with her feet up on the table.

“Hey, Garrus.”

“Hey.”

“So what’s up?”

“You took a couple pretty bad hits down there.”

“I take a few of those everywhere I go. What’s the worry?” She twisted to face him.

“You could have easily dodged these, Shepard. What’s going on? Frankly, you look terrible.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I’m serious.” He folded his arms over his chest.

She sighed, “I’m just not sleeping well these days.”

“Maybe because it’s hot as hell in here.”

“I like it. I’m always cold.”

That struck a chord with him. He went down the stairs and sat next to her, “Is that what this is about?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Shepard.”

She huffed, “What?”

“You know damn well what.”

She sat forward and hung her head. “I’m so damn tired, Garrus.”

“There’s this thing, I think it’s called sleep. I hear it can help with that.”

She tilted her head so she could give him a cockeyed smile, “Right.”

“Having trouble with it?”

“A bit. Too bad I can’t shoot it.”

“Is that your plan for everything?”

“Just about.”

“So what are you planning on doing since this isn’t something you can put a bullet in?”

“I’m doing it now.”

“Denial mixed with getting shot?”

“Very funny.”

“I just call it like I see it.”

“Was it really that bad?”

Garrus put a taloned hand on her shoulder, “If it wasn’t would I be here bothering you about it?”

“I guess not.” Shepard shook her head and leaned back, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Talk to me, Shepard.”

“What do you want me to say? That I’m falling apart at the seams? That I can’t handle losing two years of my life because I died? That every time I close my eyes the darkness sends me into a panic?” She stood and paced, “I’m the great Commander Shepard. I can’t have break downs. I can’t be weak.”

“Shepard, you’re human.” He watched her pace and make wild gestures.

“Not anymore I’m not! I’m nothing but a machine wearing a dead woman’s face.”

“A machine that knows everything about the woman in question.”

“Are you sure about that, Garrus?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Why? How can you be so sure?”

“A few things. First, even a machine wouldn’t blind charge a gun ship. That’s becoming your signature, you know. If it’s big, charge it! Need I remind you that you are _human_ not _krogan_? Second, your scars. I’m going out on a limb and saying not many people knew about them. You threw yourself at me apologizing for your new ones because of a promise _you_ remembered making. Third, no one else could gather a more disparate group of people and work with them enough that they become friends. Should I keep going?”

“I think I got it, thanks. So I’m still me. Then why don’t I feel like it?”

“Why don’t we go ask the other person who died and came back?”

“Alright, fine. You made your point.” Shepard held her hands up in surrender.

“I get the feeling that you still don’t believe me.”

“I do, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I’ve never felt so dead inside before. I used to have purpose and resolve. Now, there’s just this overwhelming darkness.”

“You just need to find what you lost.”

“No shit, really? Since you seem to have all the answers, where should I look?”

“Maybe you’re over thinking. Or looking in the wrong places. How did you expect to feel after you died?”

“I don’t know. More spiritual maybe, but no worse off. I didn’t really expect to die and come back, you know.” She flopped back onto the couch and stared at the ceiling.

“Fair enough. What makes you feel like you again?”

She paused, thinking. “Being with you, going on stupid little fetch missions, getting a head shot. Can you believe I miss the Mako?”

_“Being with you” . . . Being with me makes her feel alive. . ._ He shifted more to face her, “Yes, I can believe you miss driving like a maniac in that tank.”

She finally smiled, “Hey, I wasn’t that bad.”

“You made a krogan warlord lose his lunch. You were _that_ bad.”

“It’s not my fault he had a weak stomach.”

“You drove the thing off a mountain and flipped it off of every ridge on the way down!”

“That takes talent.”

“Whatever you have to tell yourself, Shepard.”

She moved to lean against him. He cautiously put his arm around her shoulders. “Is it really that hot in here?”

“I’m from a very warm planet and I think it’s hot in here.”

“Why couldn’t I tell, then? I can now.”

“You keep asking me like I’m supposed to know.”

“I’m sorry. Everything just feels . . . right with you around. It’s easy to buy into the illusion that you’ll have all the answers.”

“I could hang around for a while, if that would make you feel better.”

“And here I was worried I’d have to ask.” She smiled.

They spent an hour talking about the good old days. Shepard felt more like herself than she had in months. She watched him laugh and make vague gestures to impress a point about the Mako. The side of his face was still bandaged. Her heart dropped when she thought about how he gotten that injury. She was lost in his voice. She was smiling and laughing along with him. A sudden thought hit her like a ton of bricks. _I never want this to end. I never want to be without him. There is no Shepard without Vakarian. Oh god. I’ve totally fallen for him._ They fell into a comfortable silence.

“Thank you, Garrus.”

“For what?”

“Always being here.”

“That’s what friends are for.” His heart pounded. She reached for his hand and held it in her own. She closed her eyes and pressed it to her face. He stroked her cheek as softly as he could, being mindful of his sharp talon against her soft skin.

“Friends. After everything we’ve been through together and we’re still friends. Is that all we are?”

“I don’t know, Shepard.”

She opened her eyes and looked into his. He was mesmerized. “Should we even . . .”

“We’ve done crazier things.” He whispered.

“Yeah, we have.”

He tilted his head closer to hers, “How did we . . .”

“Not a clue.” Her face was barely an inch from his now, “But I won’t complain.”

“Me either.”

An urgent beep sounded. They froze, still an inch apart. It sounded again. They both pulled away. Again. Garrus growled and pulled up the message. _Sidonis._ His face went from annoyed to disbelief to anger. He stared at the message for a long, painfully silent moment. Finally, Shepard drew her hand up to the uninjured side of his face.

“Hey, talk to me Garrus.”

“Sidonis. One of my old contacts found him.”

“Where?”

“The Citadel.”

“Perfect, we’re already on route. We’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks, Shepard.”

She watched him. The things she saw in his expression startled her. Murderous rage didn’t begin to cover it. She wanted to help him put this behind him, but she wouldn’t lose him to it. Would she lose a friend if she stood in the way? She decided not to think about it anymore.

“Do you need some time to think about how you want to handle it?” She asked.

“No, I already know exactly what I want. Besides, you need me right now,” he replied as he closed the message. That comforted her. He could step away and put a friend first.

“Want to fight it out?”

“With the way you were taking hits earlier, I don’t think that would end well. Why don’t we just pick up where we left off?” He realized what he said a half second too late.

“Where we left off. And where was that?” She gave him a teasing smile sensing his discomfort.

He gave her a mock glare. He knew her game. “Rest. You need rest if you want to make it to the end of this alive.”

“I think we covered that already.”

“Oh, really? Then what agreement did we come to?”

“That I’ll rest as long as you stay with me.”

“I’ll never leave you.”

“I know. I trust you, Garrus.”

He felt the weight of those words more than he understood them. He was never good with words so he pulled her close in a tight hug. Ever on top of the situation, Shepard curled into him, fitting perfectly against his angular body. She breathed slowly, willing herself to remember the earthy clean smell that was uniquely Garrus. He buried his nose in her hair, the soft smell of her shampoo mixing with her natural slightly spiced scent. He ignored the metallic note that was the only marker left of her death and focused instead on the silky strands that tickled his plates. He had never had an interest in hair before, but now that he had pushed it against his face, he wanted to run his talons through it. It was so soft and it moved. For some reason he had assumed it was like the asaris’ crest, set in position. He doubted he would ever get the chance. Shepard never took it out of the bun. Then again, he doubted he would be where he was at that very moment, so anything was possible. Shepard traced the lines on his shirt softly. He could still feel it through the fabric. It sent shivers down his spine. He wanted to feel her fingers tracing lines against his bare chest. The thought startled him, but he didn’t shy away from it this time. Denying it now was pointless. He closed his eyes. He had never dared to hope that they would ever turn into anything more than crew mates, but they had become friends. He had never dared to hope he would see her again in this life, but she had come back. He had never dared to hope that they would be whatever they were now, but they were. He gently stroked her back. She groaned in appreciation.

“Did I find a weakness on the great commander?”

“Whatever you want to call it, don’t stop.”

“Is that an order?”

“It’s relaxing me too much for me to make it an order.”

“Relaxing enough for you to sleep?”

“Don’t push your luck.” He could hear the smile in her voice.

“And why not?” She looked up and gave him the most pitiful glare he had ever seen. “Is that really the best you can muster, Shepard?”

“Austin.”

“What?”

“My first name.”

“Austin.” It felt good on his lips, “I like it. It fits you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s just . . . like you I guess.”

She laughed, “Like me? You really haven’t changed.”

“Yeah, well, you know me.” He grinned.

“That I do. So, this thing called ‘sleep’. How does it work?”

“Generally, you get into something comfortable and lay down; I think humans usually use a bed. A bed is that big thing over there,” he pointed to the large mattress against the far wall, “And then close your eyes. After that, I think you just kinda drift off.”

“It’s the drifting off part I can’t manage.”

“I don’t know if I can help with that.” He hated that he couldn’t help her.

“Sure you can.” She stood and pulled him up with her. She led him to the bed and sat down.

“I don’t know about that, Shepard.”

“You’ve pulled me out of the shower naked, stripped me on Tuchanka and pinned me to the ground when we sparred, yet you hesitate about a friendly sleep over?”

“Well, when you put it like that, it’s really not the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

“My point, exactly. Come on.”

Garrus let her pull him onto the bed. She crawled under the sheets and cuddled close to him. He put his arm around her and held her close. She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He resumed stroking her back. He was rewarded with a soft sigh and the feeling of her relaxing into him. The last thing Shepard was aware of was his talons on her back and the steady beat of his heart under her cheek. Garrus kept his talons moving along her back long after she fell asleep. He didn’t know what else to do. He had come up here to check on her, force her to rest if he had to, not get in bed with her. He didn’t quite know how to react. What was he supposed to do? His thoughts were running circles in his head. He shifted his position just enough so he could lean his head against hers. He took a deep breath. The smell of her instantly calmed him. His hand fell still on her back and he moved it to rest on the natural curve of her body. He let his eyes drift closed. Everything about this moment felt so _right_. Even the news of Sidonis didn’t matter. She was in his arms, where she belonged. And with that thought, he too drifted off.


	10. Did You Say Something?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of fluff and fun. Had a blast writing this chapter, not gonna lie.

Shepard groaned softly and started pulling herself up. She was stiff, like she hadn’t moved in hours. She rubbed the side of her face. It was numb. She attempted to untangle herself from the sheets, but they were stuck on something. No, not something, _someone_. Garrus. She smiled and stretched. He shifted to look up at her.

“Good morning. How long have you been awake?” She asked groggily.

“Not long,” he sat up.

“So this sleep business. I think I can get used to it.”

“It is nice, isn’t it? Feeling better?”

“Yes, it would seem you were right.”

The only light in the room was the coming from the fish tank. It outlined her in a blue glow that made her eyes shine. He wanted nothing more than to pull her close and try his hand at the human kiss. So he did. He rarely acted on impulse, always afraid he would lose control. But in order to lose control of a situation, he would have to have it to begin with and this time, he wasn’t the one in control. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him. She laughed. It was cut short by him pressing the turian equivalent of lips to her human ones. To her credit, she didn’t pull back or push away. She wound her arms around his cowl and kissed him back. When they finally broke apart, they were both smiling. She lay back against him and sighed.

“Mmm, that’s where we left off last night.”

“I was worried you’d forgotten.”

“Me? Never. I have the memory of an elephant.”

“A what?”

Shepard laughed, “Never mind.”

Garrus shrugged. She reluctantly pulled herself away from him and out of bed. “Does this mean we have to go save the galaxy now?”

“Not yet. We’re going shopping!”

Garrus groaned, “How much is there left to buy?”

“You’d be surprised. And I was kidding. We’re hunting down an informant and an assassin’s son.”

“We’re at the Citadel already?”

“No, we still have a few hours. I just can’t stay in bed.”

“I’m surprised you slept as long as you did.”

She laughed, “Right. Well, I’m going to shower. Have fun.”

“Doing what?”

“Whatever it is you’re planning on doing while I’m indisposed.”

It was his turn to laugh, “You make bathing sound like a chore.”

“I enjoy it actually. The water is relaxing and warm.”

“You and being warm.”

“Well, you try freezing to death and tell me how you feel afterwards.”

“Point taken.”

She smiled over her shoulder and disappeared into the bathroom. He stared at the door until the water started to run. He shook his head and stood, stretching. He felt more rested than he had since . . . since she died. Refusing to waste another second on that, he shoved it from his mind and made the bed. There really wasn’t much else to do in her room. He fiddled idly with the pillows. He wanted to stay, but didn’t know if he should. A sound coming from the bathroom stopped him.

Shepard was singing, “I'm feeling half alive but I know one day

You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,

Free…

Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try

And save me.

It's okay that we're dying,

But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,

Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay

At least 'til yesterday,

You know you got me off my highest guard,

Believe me when I say it's hard.

We'll get through this tonight

And I know one day you and I will be free.”

It was not a happy song at all. He wondered why it made his heart ache. The sound of water shutting off snapped him back to his senses. He busied himself with the fish until she could smell her next to him. He turned his head so he could see her. “So, are you okay today?”

She raised an eyebrow at him, “I’m fine. Why are you asking?”

“No reason, really.”

“You heard me singing in the shower didn’t you?”

“I might have.”

“You tell anyone I sing in the shower, I will make you pay.” Shepard threatened.

He laughed, “Your secret is safe with me. Are you going to answer my question?”

“Not today,” she smirked.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

Garrus sighed. She was being her usual stubborn self, so maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought. “Fine.”

She smiled, “Oh, come on. It’s nothing.”

“Just like the Reapers?”

“Don’t you know they don’t exist? I’m just easily manipulated.”

“And I didn’t get hit in the face with a rocket on Omega.”

“Of course not. You’ve always been ugly.”

“Yeah, and you’re just another squishy human.”

“I like to think I’m more solid than most!”

They both laughed. It never ceased to amaze either of them how easily they could talk and laugh at the other’s expense. She leaned her head against him and he put his arm around her shoulders. They were so comfortable with each other. Garrus had been worried that sharing her bed, even if only as a friend, would somehow change their easy banter. Shepard had been worried he would think her too forward and would run for the hills. Both were wrong. It had only served to prove a point they were already aware of.

“Come on, I’m starving.” Shepard took his hand and pulled him to the door.

“You’re always starving.”

“I’m always doing the impossible. That takes a lot of energy.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s the case.”

“You eat quite a lot, yourself.”

“I’m a turian. We all eat a lot. But you eat enough for the half the human crew combined.”

“And your point is?”

“You know, I have no idea.”

Shepard laughed and shook her head as she shoved him into the elevator. “Be prepared for funny looks.”

“Why?”

“We’re both coming from my cabin. People will assume . . .”

“Wonderful.”

“Hey, it could be quite entertaining. You never know.”

“Speaking from experience, Shepard?”

“Hardly.”

“I’ll take your word for that. Now, let’s really make people wonder.”

“What-” She was cut off when he picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “-the hell are you doing?”

“Having fun.”

“Put me down!”

The doors hissed open on the crew deck. Garrus just laughed.

“I’m serious, Vakarian! Put me down this instant!”

“Nope.”

“What the hell! Damn turian.”

“Yep.” He made his way over to Gardner with Shepard still struggling on his shoulder.

“What, uh, can I do for you?” Gardner asked.

“The usual. For both of us,” Garrus answered.

“So human coffee and turian coffee coming up.”

“How do you expect me to drink it like this?” Shepard hissed.

“I don’t.” He went to the table and dropped her into a chair before getting both drinks.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

After several minutes of grumbling to herself over her food, Shepard spoke up. “You know I’m going to get you back for that, right?”

“I kinda assumed, yeah.” Garrus chuckled.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because I don’t think you’ll be able to surprise me. Superior hearing, remember?”

“Don’t count me out. I’m better than you think.”

“And how would you know what I think?”

“Because I’m Commander Shepard!”

“And your point is?”

She stabbed a large piece of egg and flung it at him. “That’s my point.”

“Hey! Really? How old are you?”

“I have no idea.”

He flicked a spoonful of weird purple bits at her. She ducked and it sailed over her head, nearly hitting Thane. He stopped mid-step and watched it hit the floor. He turned to the two at the table.

“See what you did?”

“Me? You started it!”

“Children, please.” Miranda said as she strode out of her office.

“What, _mom_?” Shepard rolled her eyes.

“You’re twenty nine for another four days.”

“Seriously?” Garrus nearly choked on his food.

Shepard looked back to him and burst out laughing at the look on his face. She leaned back in the chair, causing it to tip. Thane grabbed the edge of it, keeping it steady.

“Thanks,” she gasped. Thane nodded in acknowledgement. “That look! I wish I could have gotten a picture!”

“What?” Garrus mumbled.

“You really didn’t know how old I was?”

“I thought you were older, but I was more surprised about your birthday.”

“Of course you were.”

“Birthdays are cause for celebration among humans, are they not?” Thane asked.

“Don’t even go there.”

“Yes, they are.” Miranda answered.

“Shut up.”

“I like where this is going,” Garrus laughed.

“I don’t.”

“Four days? That’s plenty of time.” Gardner said.

“No, it’s not.”

“For what?” Tali asked as she exited the elevator.

“For me to toss the lot of you out the airlock.”

“Shepard’s birthday.” Thane responded.

“Lies.”

“Are we planning a party?” The quarian asked, excited.

“No, we are not.”

“Maybe.” Miranda said.

“Mutiny!”

“I think the cargo hold is big enough.” Garrus offered.

“I don’t think so.”

“Yeah, that’s perfect.” Tali responded.

“No, it’s really not.”

“I have everything I need for a cake.” Gardner said from the cabinet.

“I don’t even like cake.”

“And I have some decorations,” Kelly said.

“When did you even get here?”

“Perfect! This is going to be great!” Miranda said.

“Am I the only one who can hear me?”

“Did you say something, Shepard?” Garrus asked.

She groaned and slammed her head on the table. “You are all on my shit list.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "Half Alive" by Secondhand Serenade. Has a point later.


	11. Need Some Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more loyalty missions, yay!

“Damn it, Shepard. If he moves, I’m taking the shot.” Garrus hissed over the comm.

Shepard ignored him and kept talking to Sidonis. She had seen the monster this revenge had turned Garrus into and was not going to allow it to continue. If he blamed her for it and ended up hating her, so be it. He was better than this. If he really wanted to take the shot, he would have to go through her. She heard Sidonis mutter an apology.

“Just go- tell him to go.” Garrus sighed in her ear.

“He’s giving you a second chance, Sidonis. Don’t waste it.” She growled. And with that, the turian was gone.

Shepard made her way back to the rendezvous point. Garrus wouldn’t even look her in the eye. She braced herself for whatever happened next.

“I know you want to talk about this, but I don’t. Not yet,” he said.

“I know it didn’t go the way you planned, but it’s for the best.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Give it time,” she said gently.

“Yeah, maybe that’ll be enough. I want to know I did the right thing, not just for me- for my men. They deserved to be avenged, but when Sidonis was in my sights . . . I just couldn’t do it.”

“The lines between good and evil blur when we’re looking at people we know.”

“Yeah, there was still good in him. I could see it. It’s so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey, I don’t know what to do with grey.”

“You’ve got to go with your instincts.”

“My instincts are what got me into this mess.”

They climbed into the skycar together. He wasn’t as mad as she thought he would be, but there were still things he wasn’t saying. He could think on it while she helped Thane with his son.

 ..........

Her armored fist connected with Kolyat Krios’s face and he staggered back a step. She felt a small amount of satisfaction that she resolved the issue with minimal bloodshed.

..........

Back on the ship she went to check in with Thane.

“Thank you for your assistance today, Shepard.”

“Happy to help, Thane. I hope he wasn’t too upset I punched him.”

“I think he understands it was the better alternative.”

Shepard laughed.

“I must admit, I was surprised.”

“Why?”

“Earlier, you said everyone was on your ‘shit list’, yet you still helped both me and Garrus.”

“Well, sure. I may hate celebrating my birthday, but it was all good natured. I’m not going to let something so petty get in the way of life.”

“I see. Is there a way to get off of it?”

“I’m sure there are ways to make that happen, but I usually get my revenge before people come up with a good reason.”

“I will make an effort to be the first.”

“Hey, I got to sock your son in the face. You’re pretty low on my list right now. But don’t get too comfortable.” She gave the drell a wicked grin and took her leave.

\-------------------- 

Shepard leaned against the table in the mess, debating going to the main battery to see Garrus. She knew she should, but she was worried that he wouldn’t contain his emotions. She sighed heavily and made her way to the battery door. It opened silently. The turian was standing with his back to her, working on his endless calibrations. He turned his head after a minute.

“Shepard, need me for something?”

“That depends. Are you in the middle of some calibrations?”

“I’m not. I just finished them, actually.”

“Oh, well lucky me.”

“Thanks for your help today.”

“About that . . . I know I overstepped some boundaries.”

“No, you didn’t. You were right.”

“Wait, you’re not mad?”

“I was. But the more I thought about it, you were right. There was still good in him. He was a coward, sure, but he’s also a civilian.”

“So, what? He lacks the balls to stand up for something?” She sat on a crate against the wall.

“Not the way I would have said it, but yeah that’s it I guess.”

“Well, okay then.”

“Is that all you needed?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah, I was expecting a fight, honestly.”

“Why would I fight with you? You’re the only friend I have left in this galaxy.”

“At least you have someone, then.”

“What about you, anyone special?”

“Special? Depends on what you mean by special.”

“You know, _special_.”

“You say that like you’re speaking from experience, Vakarian.”

“Well, turian ships are run differently. We have few personal restrictions but more operational discipline. Our commanders know we need to blow off steam.”

“Oh? And how do turians blow off steam?” Shepard laughed.

“Violence usually. There are combat sims, training rooms for exercise and even full contact sparring.” Garrus shrugged.

“I know we spar when we have a lot on our minds, but turian commanders endorse it?”

“Whatever helps let off steam. It’s supervised. No one is going to risk an injury before a mission. I remember before one mission, we were going to hit this batarian pirate ring. A recon scout and I had been at each other’s throats. She suggested we settle it in the ring.”

“I assume you took her down gently?”

“We were the top ranked hand-to-hand specialists on that ship. It went nine rounds. I had reach, but she had flexibility. The judge eventually called a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the room. We, uh, held a tie breaker in her quarters. I had reach and she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.”

“You say that like you’re carrying some tension. Maybe I could help you get rid of some of it.” She stood and took a few steps toward him.

“You feel like sparring now, Shepard?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Uh…I didn’t realize you had a weakness for men with scars. Well, why the hell not? If we can find a way to make it work…then definitely.”

Shepard took a step closer to him and trailed her fingers lightly down his armored chest, “You know where I’ll be, then.” And with that, she turned and left. He starred at the doors long after she left. Did she seriously just proposition him? Where in the blue hell did that come from? He knew they had something unique, but Shepard was a unique woman. Half of him thought it was nothing more than friendly, even if the other half seriously hoped it was something more. Why him? He knew she trusted him above anyone else, but how did she make the leap from trust to propositioning him? He felt like he was missing something, something big. Garrus shook his head. He thought he knew Austin Shepard better than anyone, but now he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t going to back out of it, no way. But he was going to talk to her. He needed to understand. If this was just a casual thing, really just stress relief then that was fine. But if it was what it felt like, then he needed some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :)


	12. I Don't Do Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final verdict on the party and a look inside Shepard's head

“You guys are still talking about that damned party?”

“Yes, because it’s happening.” Tali said.

“This is _my_ ship! I decide that.”

“You’ve been over ruled.” Jack laughed.

“Since when is that even possible?”

“Since now.”

Shepard stood from her spot at the mess hall table and raised her voice, “It’s my fucking birthday. I make the goddamn decisions about it. If anyone wishes to challenge me on this, I will oblige them with a sniping contest.”

“Sniping? You’re on. I’ll kick your squishy human ass,” Garrus said.

She grinned darkly, “Anyone else?”

“I will.”

Everyone turned to drell. Well, this was going to be better than she thought.

“Okay boys, to the cargo hold. We’re all going to use the same rifle so it has none of our personalization. That way, none of us can have an advantage. Practice rounds so it’s safe and random patterns every time.”

“So, who’s shooting first?” Garrus asked once they had reached the lowest level.

“I’m going last. You two can fight over who goes first,” Shepard shrugged.

“Mind if I start, then, Thane?”

“Not at all.”

Garrus picked up the rifle and fired a few practice shots to get a feel for it. The rest of the crew gathered to watch. When he was ready, EDI started the shooting sim. There were thirty targets at varying distances and moving at various speeds. When he was done he passed the gun to Thane and the process repeated. Shepard had ordered the scores be kept secret until all three of them were done. Thane hit the last target and stood. He handed the gun to Shepard and she took her position.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Go.”

Shepard took a deep breath and focused. Everything started to slow down as her cybernetics came to life behind her eyes. One after the other, she hit the targets dead center with deadly efficiency. The target would pop up, she’d fire, it’d disappear and she’d reload.

_Aim._

_Breath._

_Fire._

_Reload._

Again and again it went until the last one faded from view. She shook her head and turned back to the others.

“EDI, who won?”

“Shepard had a perfect score.”

“What? You’ve never been that good with a sniper rifle before. Do it again.” Garrus challenged.

“Fine. EDI, do it.”

_Aim._

_Breath._

_Fire._

_Reload._

And on it went until there were none left. Shepard blinked to bring the world back into focus and turned to face the crew.

“Another perfect score.” The AI announced.

“Since when did you get so damn good? Practicing while you were dead?” Garrus teased.

She gave him an unsettling look, the same on she had given him on Omega. He added it to the already long list of things he wanted to ask her.

“Well, since I win, I get to decide that to do about this party.” She rested the gun against the wall and looked around at her crew. There was a long, silent moment while everyone waited for her to make her decision. “I don’t do cake. Cookies or something would be fine. There has to be alcohol. We are not children here. If you insist on putting up decorations, they will not be all princess-y. I am a grown woman, damn it. I saved the Citadel. And it will be held in the mess. There’s actually a table there. And no, this does not mean any of you are off of my shit list.”

Everyone laughed and cheered before breaking off and going their separate ways. Shepard put a hand to her head and rubbed her brow. Garrus took a step toward her but she beat feet to the elevator. She didn’t want to hang around for some reason. He sighed and picked up the discarded rifle. He called the elevator back down and took the gun to the armory where he stripped, cleaned and stowed it. It had taken a fair amount of time and he decided to at least go check on Shepard. It wasn’t like her to just disappear like that. He took the elevator up to her room. There was usually music playing, but this time it was silent. It didn’t feel right. The door slid open to a darkened room.

“Shepard, are you alright?” He said softly. Something was definitely wrong.

There was a muffled noise from the couch. He slowly made his way toward it. She was lying on her back with one arm covering her eyes. Her other hand was draped across her middle, holding a bloody rag.

“Shepard-”

“Not so loud, please. My head is killing me.”

He dropped his voice low, “Should I get the doctor?”

“No, it’s nothing.”

“You’re bleeding.”

“Shit, still?” She brought the rag back to her face and pushed it to her nose.

He crouched next to her, “What’s going on? It’s never this quiet up here.”

“I told you my head is killing me.”

“Is it your new biotics?”

“I wish it was that easy.”

“Then talk to me, Austin. I know you’re not well right now.”

She sighed and took the rag away from her nose. She shifted the arm over her eyes so she could squint at him. “I fucking hate Cerberus.”

“I know that.”

“I mean for what they’ve done to me. I’m not human anymore, Garrus.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All the cybernetics. I feel like a Reaper wearing skin.”

“A squishy Reaper.” He was rewarded with that lopsided smile that made his heart beat faster. It faltered almost as soon as he saw it, however.

“I feel like the implants are slowly killing me. I can’t do anything without them making me better at it, but then I pay for it later. Like now.”

“It was your implants making you so good? I call a rematch.”

She dropped her arm back over her eyes.

“Hey, I’m trying to lighten the mood. How long has this been bothering you?” He asked gently.

“Since I woke up. It’s like I can feel them ticking, keeping me going, making sure I get back up. I still don’t feel entirely like myself, no matter how hard I try. Something is just missing. They added so many pieces to me, Garrus. What if they were filling in with tech what they couldn’t find?”

“We’ve been over this before. You’re still you.”

“Everyone seems to think so. Why am I the only one who sees the difference?”

He had never seen Commander Shepard look so vulnerable. He carefully scooped her up and sat on the couch with her in his lap. She groaned.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t get the doctor?”

“Yes. It’ll go away.”

“You’re bleeding again.”

“Shit.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you're enjoying it. This chapter was a bit heavy and the next one is way worse, so prepare yourselves. Hope I don't scare you away!


	13. Just a Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip into the shadows of Shepard's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you about this chapter. Still, hope you enjoy it!

They talked in her otherwise silent, darkened room until she slipped into an uneasy sleep. After arguing with himself, he relented and laid her in bed, careful to jostle her as little as possible. Garrus rested one arm against the fish tank and his head on his arm. The things she said about herself tonight scared him in a way he didn’t know was possible. She had called herself a Reaper more than once, said she was as good as a husk with nothing but tech keeping her going. And that tech was killing the only human parts of her that were left. It had taken some prodding, but he had finally gotten her to talk. He wished she had cried, screamed, laughed, something. But she hadn’t. She had just laid it out for him in a tone so devoid of emotion that EDI easily bested her with artificial emotional inflections. She had sat in his lap, cradled against him and flat out told him that she was still dead, just a soulless vessel for the tech that Cerberus had mistakenly put in place of something vital, something she felt she couldn’t function without. He had checked her arms for any evidence that she had fallen back into her old destructive habits, but there was none. He wasn’t sure if he should be comforted by this or more concerned. On one hand, it meant she was still keeping her promise and not as far gone as it seemed. On the other, it could mean she had fallen much farther than she had back then. He knew she still wasn’t sleeping. More and more these days he found her mining planets late into the night or doing endless workouts in the gym. He had tried to talk her into sleeping more, hell he even spent the night with her. It was the first night in months she had gotten more than two hours of sleep. The more he tried to help, the more she withdrew, which was why it had caught him off guard when she had offered to help him relieve stress. Garrus stared at the fish like they would give him the answers he so desperately needed. He lost her once and it destroyed him. These days, he did his best to block out those two years she was gone, even if he wasn’t entirely without her then. He didn’t know what he would do if he lost her now when he had the power to stop that from happening. He sighed heavily and pushed away from the glass. He didn’t want to leave her after some of the things she had said, but hopping in bed with her uninvited didn’t seem like such a good idea either. He paced to the door and back to the bottom of the stairs. _I honestly don’t care if I survive this suicide mission, Garrus. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure everyone else comes home, but I don’t have a home to come back to. It’s a broken, burned out wreck on Alchera. Life isn’t so great coming back from death._ He shuddered. Those words, spoken in a cold indifferent tone from the woman who, barely an hour before, was laughing with the rest of the crew, were chilling. How far had she truly fallen? She acted so normal in front of everyone. He could hardly tell a difference from the old days. What if she was already too far gone to save? That thought terrified him more than anything. She had said it herself that she was falling apart at the seams. He let loose a low, frustrated growl. Thinking about it like this wasn’t getting him anywhere, but what was he supposed to do? He had tried asking her about it and that’s what got him into this mess. His thoughts were running circles in his head. He dropped himself down onto the couch and hung his head in his talons. The sheets rustling brought his focus to the bed. Shepard was shifting in her sleep. He was about to return to memorizing her floor when an uncharacteristic whimper escaped her. He stood and took a step toward her. She rolled to the far side of the bed and leapt off, stumbling and falling into the wall. The lights came on with blinding intensity.

“Damn it,” she swore and launched a fist hard into the wall. So hard in fact, that Garrus was certain it had broken something. She hadn’t slept more than forty minutes at the most.

“Shepard.”

“What?” She spun to face him.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“Nightmare?”

“Sure, let’s call it that.” She rubbed her eyes with one hand, the other folded across her midsection.

“You need to sleep. I’ll stay with you again if-”

“I don’t need sleep. I’m fine.”

“Shepard. Austin, yes you do. Please.”

She brushed past him, “I told you I’m fine. I’m just a machine, anyway.”

And with that, the door to her cabin swished closed, leaving him alone and stunned in her too bright, too quiet room.

....................

When he had gathered his thoughts enough to climb into the elevator and ride it down to the crew deck, he was only sure of two things: that Commander Austin Shepard needed someone with her at all times and that he was going to be that person. These thoughts were cut short as he rounded the corner and there she was, feet on the table and coffee in her hand, talking with Kelly Chambers. It was as if the scene in her cabin was nothing but an overly vivid nightmare. She glanced over to him.

“How do you make dextro cookies?”

The question nearly made him stumble. “What?”

“Dextro cookies. I want to make sure you and Tali have stuff at this damn party and no one else knows how to make them.”

“Uh, shouldn’t you ask Tali? I wasn’t exactly in the kitchen a lot…” What the hell was going on?

“I did and she has no idea. Apparently quarians aren’t big on them.”

He could only stare. Was she really sitting at the table having a _normal_ conversation with the ship’s shrink after what she had said to him in the confines of her room? He tried to get a good look at her hands. He knew she had broken at least one bone when her fist had connected with the wall. But they were resting in her lap, hidden by her propped up legs. He made a snap decision to call her out in front of Kelly.

“After what you said earlier, I’m surprised you even care. After all-”

“It has no bearing on our current conversation, Garrus.” She smirked at him. Was she treating this like a game? She pulled her feet off the table and stood. He followed her over to the counter. She set her now empty mug down and he grabbed her hand. It looked fine. She held up her other one and wiggled her fingers. That one looked fine, too. She raised an eyebrow at him before pulling away and disappearing into the elevator.

“Does she seem off to you?” He asked Kelly.

“Not at all. Why do you ask?” She cheerfully replied.

Garrus shook his head. “It was something she said. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. I have some calibrations to finish.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I hope I didn't scare anyone away yet. Thanks for reading!


	14. Why Don't You Care Anymore?

The doors to the gun battery hissed open. He could smell her.

“Wanna go meet Tali’s dad?”

“What?” Garrus half turned to her.

“Yeah, the Admiralty Board accused her of treason and her dad is on it. I’m assuming we’ll see him at some point.”

He reached past her and locked the door.

“What the hell?”

“No, you’re going to talk to me before we go anywhere you could get shot.”

“Now really isn’t the best time. There’s kind of a time limit on this.”

“It can wait for five more minutes. You can’t tell me some of the things you did and then act like it never happened.”

“Watch me.”

“Not this time, Austin. What is going on with you?”

“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know!” She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“You had a pretty clear idea when we were alone in your room.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You’ve clearly been thinking about this a lot.”

“No more than I’ve been thinking about the Collectors and how to survive this.”

“I thought you were content to die with them.”

“Just because I am doesn’t mean the rest of the crew is.”

“Why don’t you care anymore?”

“You’re five minutes are up. Are you coming or not?”

He growled low enough that she couldn’t hear him. “Yes, I’m coming.”

 ..................

“Shepard don’t!”

She let loose a giddy laugh as she charged the Geth Prime. Garrus sighed. She would just tell him it wasn’t a gun ship. The least he could do was keep the troopers away from her while she beat the Prime to death with the butt of her gun. Tali was picking off the ones still pouring through the door with her shotgun. There was no question that Shepard would try to retake the Alarei. Whether she lived to tell about it was another matter entirely. Reckless human.

Shepard pulled Tali into a tight hug away from the lifeless form of her father. Garrus took a minute to think that even when she’s drowning in problems of her own, she’s still there for everyone else. Maybe she’s more okay than he wanted to admit. Maybe it’s just the irrational part of him that knows he can’t handle losing her again overreacting. And maybe she’s just really good at pretending.

Back in front of the Admiralty Board, Shepard kept her promise to Tali. Listening to her speech, he had no doubt that this was the same woman who had talked an indoctrinated turian Specter into shooting himself. She talked the quarian out of treason and protected her father’s name. She really hadn’t changed all that much. So why couldn’t she see it?

 

They stood side by side in the armory cleaning their weapons. The silence was easy. There was nothing but the soft clicks and pops of different pieces being removed and replaced. Garrus wanted to say something, to pick up the conversation they were having before they left the ship, but the relaxed set of her shoulders and small smile she had playing across her lips made him stop. No point in ruining a good thing.

“So, Shepard. I see you haven’t lost your touch.”

“If this is about charging the geth…”

“It wasn’t actually, because it wasn’t a gun ship. I was referring to your shouting match.”

“It wasn’t really a shouting match. They were rather quiet.” She laughed and stowed her weapons.

“Doesn’t make it any less impressive. You can talk anyone into or out of anything.”

She gave him a lopsided smile. “Jealous?”

“You know me.” He put his guns in with hers and they left the armory together. Once in the elevator, she turned to him with a sultry smile.

“Well, I did manage to talk you into bed with me. “

“About that…”

“Changing your mind?”

“Not even close. I was just curious as to your reasons. I know you could have anyone on this ship. Why me?”

“Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“Not at all,” he said quickly. “Nervous maybe, but never uncomfortable.”

She tilted her head at him and shrugged, “You’re the only one I trust.”

“Is it a human thing to invite people you trust to bed?”

She sighed and motioned for him to follow her to her room. Once inside, she fed the fish and turned back to face him, “Trust for humans in general isn’t anything super special. Trust for me is.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I trust everyone on this ship to do their jobs the best that they can. How many of them have you seen in my room?”

“Counting Miranda?”

“No, I didn’t invite her and you know it.”

“Then none of them. What’s your point?”

She turned away from him then, finding something of great interest in her model ships. It was quiet for a minute before she spoke again, “I’ve lost everything, Garrus. Mindior. Akuze. The SR-1. I got really close to the squad I was with on Akuze, closer than I did with my crew on my old ship. It destroyed me when I survived that and no one else did. It was at that point in my life that I closed myself off from everyone, keeping them at arm’s length. I let myself become the silent bearer of the pain and when it got to be too much, you know what happened.  I told one person how much all of it really got to me. One. Over the years I’ve had to deal with it, I’ve only ever laid it out for someone once. Only one person ever asked. The minute I told you was the minute you became stuck with me, whether you like it or not. I don’t know why or how and frankly, I don’t care. You are the only person in the galaxy that knows enough about me to completely destroy me.”

He stepped closer and laid a taloned hand on her shoulder, “And I care enough to never do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you're still reading, I'll take it as a good thing. Hope you like it!


	15. Happy Birthday, Shepard

They stood in silence for a long time, his hand on her shoulder, finding the model ships more fascinating than talking. She shifted so she was leaning back against him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and let a rumble of contentment roll through him. He knew she could feel it, she knew he was doing it for her. For one perfect moment, there was nothing but them. Her terminal pinged. She ignored it. It pinged again. And again.  And it kept going, alerting thirty three messages before she pulled away from Garrus and punched it. When it flicked back to life, she opened the first message. He heard her sharp intake of breadth and looked over her shoulder.

_From: Toombs_

_Happy Birthday, Shepard._

_Hope it ends with a bang._

Garrus looked from her face to the screen and back again. He remembered Toombs and he knew about the first message Shepard had gotten from him. She opened the next one.

_From: Toombs_

_How old are you, these days? Did your new friends at Cerberus change that, too?_

She blinked rapidly and hissed out an angry sigh. She opened the next one.

_From: Toombs_

_You know what, it doesn’t matter. This is the last birthday you’re going to have._

Garrus put a taloned hand on her arm. She shook it off and opened the next message.

_From: Toombs_

_Those experiments your buddies used me for? I’m gonna return the favor on their new poster child._

Garrus pulled her away from the terminal and she let him. She was shaking with fear, with anger, with hate.

“EDI!” Shepard barked.

“Yes, Commander.”

“Find out where he’s sending those messages from and how they’re getting through. When you find it, mark the galaxy map.”

“Shepard, what-”

“I’m turning him back over to the Alliance. He needs help.” She cut him off.

“Yes, but you see how well that worked last time.”

“I’ll attach my ‘recommendation’ as a Specter this time.”

Garrus sighed. He knew that tone all too well. “Promise you’ll bring me along?”

She gave him a tight smile, “Of course.”

................... 

“Aw, you were a cute kid, Shepard!” Jack teased.

“How in the bloody hell did you get those pictures?”

“None of your business!” Kasumi flicked to the next one.

“Oh dear…”

“What are you wearing?” Jacob laughed.

Another flicked by, “Ooh, who is that hunk?” Miranda asked.

“I don’t want to talk about that one, thanks.” Shepard drained her glass.

“Fair enough. Next!”

“It’s bad enough I let you have a party, but now you have to embarrass me, too?”

“It’s a good reminder you’re human, just like the rest of us. Well, some of us.” Zaeed said with a shrug.

“Yeah, well next time ask.”

“Ah, familial resemblance. Must be parents.” Mordin commented.

“Good eye. That was taken on their twentieth wedding anniversary.”

“A what?” Garrus asked.

“Wedding anniversary. Humans generally have some sort of celebration on the day they got married. Asari do it, too. I loved the parties they would throw. They would sneak me wine the older I got. Then they would slip away and go to their favorite ice cream place.”

The far-away smile on her face made his heart ache. It was easy to forget that her parents weren’t around to be proud of their daughter. She would mention them from time to time, but if you didn’t know, it would only seem like she hadn’t been back home in a long while. No matter how frustrated he got with his father, Garrus knew he was glad the old turian was still around. He wondered if Shepard would like to meet him. It might be good for all of them. He continued to entertain these thoughts while the group began to talk and laugh and talk about the teenage Shepard that was displayed on the holo-projector they had set up. By some miracle, they had gotten a hold of old holos from Mindior and her first years in the Alliance and put together a little show. Shepard wanted to be annoyed, but she just couldn’t manage it. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe she was just glad they were having a good time. And maybe she liked seeing the old holos herself. Garrus came up behind her, stopping closer than was necessary. Shepard smirked, knowing he was trying to imitate the moment they had in her cabin.

“So, still planning to throw everyone out of the airlock?”

“If I didn’t need you guys…” She answered with a grin.

He playfully shoved her, “It’s not so bad is it? You even managed to get the antisocial ones here for this.”

“Yeah, yeah.” A roar of laughter overtook the mess. She glanced back to the makeshift screen and shook her head. She was going to kill whoever had leaked these.

“Is that a human thing?”

“No, no it’s not. Don’t ask.”

“You’ll tell me sooner or later.”

“I’m not nearly drunk enough.”

“Is that an invitation to drink you under the table?”

A black and white holo came up and Shepard swore under her breadth. Garrus turned to see what had quieted the group.

“You did ballet?” Kasumi asked.

“A long time ago.” Shepard answered.

“I have a hard time imagining you dancing, Commander. No offence.” Jacob said.

“None taken.”

“She was actually quite good,” Miranda stated.

The group slowly turned to the commander. “I don’t think I like where this is going.”

“Why don’t you show us, twinkle toes. Let us decide how good you are.”

Shepard face-palmed. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I let you guys throw me a party. And if you found the holos you can find the vids.”

“If I don’t find them, you’re dancing.”

“Uh-huh.”

Shepard laughed and rolled her eyes.  “I need more to drink.”

“What you need is a cookie.”

“Is that…a cookie cake?”

“As a matter of fact it is.”

“That is fantastic!”

“You know what this means…”

“Oh, hell no.”

“Happy birthday to-” A well placed chunk of cookie stopped them.

“Don’t even. Don’t even start or all of you will go out the airlock.”

The group gave in with few protests. Shepard took a step back and looked around. It was heartwarming to see everyone together like this. Right now, she wished she had a drell’s memory so she could get lost in the pure simplicity of this moment again and again. Never let it be said that everything Commander Shepard did went off the tracks. After all, this was going well.

.................... 

Most of the crew had trickled off to bed and the few that were left were getting ready to pass out on the table. Shepard had just finished gathering the trash and extra dishes. Garrus shooed the remaining crewmen off to their beds. He turned back to the commander and was struck dumb at the sight. She was doing the dishes. It was such a domestic task that it was surreal to see the super solider that was Austin Shepard wrist deep in warm soapy water. She was a Reaper killer, not a housewife. But there she was, scrubbing away.

“Really, Shepard?”

“What?”

“Washing the dishes. Aren’t you the captain of this ship? Isn’t it below your pay grade?”

She laughed, “Maybe that’s how Cerberus sees it. But it’s partially my fault Gardner is going to be grossly hung over tomorrow.”

He sauntered over and picked up a towel and started drying them. “So what will you do for me when it’s your fault _I’m_ grossly hung over?”

“Laugh my ass off. I’d pay to see that.”

“Thanks so much.”

“So, Archangel. Isn’t drying dishes a little beneath you?”

“Only when I’m getting paid to do it. It makes me look good when I volunteer.”

“Turian vigilante and house cleaner. I like it.” They both laughed and set to work putting the clean dishes away. She leaned against the counter, “Okay, I admit it. That was fun.”

“How drunk are you right now?”

She playfully swatted him, “Not drunk enough. I can still walk a straight line.”

“There are still a few beers left.”

“Thanks, but no. I need to be functional tomorrow.” She pushed off the counter and headed to the elevator. She glanced over her shoulder when she heard him follow her. “Think I’m drunk enough not to remember where my bed is?”

“Nothing like that.”

“Then why are you following me? I’m a big girl.”

“A big girl that I’ve pulled out of a too-hot shower, had to tuck into bed, and that has a death wish.”

“What’s your point?” She folded her arms across her chest.

“My point is that I’m not leaving you alone.”

“Planning on moving in? The main gun might get lonely.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“You say that now, but when it misfires and hits me out of spite, I’m blaming you.”

His rumbling laugh filled the elevator as the doors swished closed.


	16. Getting a Rush

Garrus and Shepard stood side by side cleaning their gear after returning from the _Hugo Gernssback_.

“So remind me why we’re going to every corner of the galaxy doing odd jobs for everyone?” He asked.

“I’m taking a bunch of strangers on a supposed suicide mission. Everyone has something they need to see finished before committing. It helps build trust, too. Most of these people wouldn’t know how to work with each other, let alone be able to let them to watch their backs.

“Okay, so I get helping Jacob with his father and Miranda with her sister, but why let Jack set off a bomb in her old cell?”

“It’s the start of my resignation letter.”

“Hell of a start,” he laughed.

“I thought so.”

“So, where to next?”

She paused a beat before answering, “Omega.”

He gave her a side long glance, “Why?”

“Samara’s daughter is there.”

“Oh right. The soul-sucking asari. Sounds like fun.”

She turned to face him. “You can stay back, if you want. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“And let you get into trouble without me? Never.”

 

Getting into trouble without him was exactly what she was planning on doing. He growled low in his chest as he watched her enter the club alone in Miranda’s spare black bodysuit and her hair in an odd twist she had called a ‘braid’. The length of it had caught him by surprise. It was down to her hips and had more colors in it that he could only see when the light caught it right. He wanted to unravel it and let his talons get tangled in the silky strands. But he had stood by, staying silent and brooding as she disappeared. They didn’t have to wait long for a drunk turian to stumble out muttering a string of curses including ‘damn human’ and Garrus couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face. That had to be Shepard’s doing. When more time passed and there was no sign of her, he began to get anxious. Just when he was about to go storming into the club, she reappeared on the arm of a young asari. Samara gave the signal and they were off.

 ..........

Shepard couldn’t deny the rush she was getting from being with Morinth. It wasn’t the heady ‘I’ll do anything for you’ rush, but the ‘flirting with death’ rush. It was making her blood hot and her heart pound. It was immensely enjoyable. Morinth seemed to think the high was from her and that suited the commander just fine. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt this alive. It was wondrous. She rode the high all the way until she was staring death in the eyes. Then she reined it in and shoved the asari away. Her head was pounding the entire way to the ship, but she was grinning like an idiot. Garrus followed her to her room as he had taken to doing every night, making sure she rested. Whether or not she actually slept or just lay quietly on her bed was still a matter of argument between them.

“You’re happy,” he commented.

“Am I?”

“I haven’t seen you grin this much, well, ever.”

“Are you complaining?”

“No, it’s just odd.”

She gave a slightly manic laugh and twisted her braided hair into a bun. Garrus flicked his mandibles in confusion. She was really off tonight.

“Are you sure you’re ok? That asari didn’t mess anything up in your head?”

“I’m fine. Aside from Samara having to kill her own daughter, it was a fun mission.”

“Right. Maybe you should get some rest.”

Another off-kilter laugh, “Yeah, so should you.”

 ..........

“Shepard, what the hell was that?” Garrus barked angrily.

“What?”

“You could have been killed. You had no shields, no cover and no covering fire.”

“So? I’m fine.”

“Barely!”

She rolled her eyes, “It’s no worse than what I usually do.”

He could only stare after her as she wandered off to collect thermal clips. They had found an anomaly scanning a planet and had rushed off to investigate. It was another merc base, complete with rockets and heavy mechs. Given her usual habit of charging damn near everything, it wasn’t a huge shock when she took off the first time. But the second and third times put Garrus on edge. She had quit using her biotics and just ran at them, almost daring them to hit her. She didn’t stop even as her shields fizzled out. If Zaeed hadn’t landed a couple lucky shots, she’d be bleeding out right now. And she didn’t seem to notice. If she did, she didn’t rightly care. He didn’t know which was worse.

 ..........

“I was the distraction.”

“From what?” Garrus raged.

“You know, I don’t remember.”

“Maybe because you took a concussive shot to the head! Will you stop fidgeting so I can look?”

“Seriously, I’m fine. No harm done. I took him out, anyway.” Shepard winced as his talon brushed the tender spot on her skull.

“You’re lucky it didn’t do more damage. You need to be careful, Shepard.”

She laughed in her new, unsettling manor, “Well, Cerberus builds their equipment to last.”

He didn’t know which unnerved him more: the laugh or the words. He shook his head and followed after her, lest she try to duplicate her actions.

 ..........

“Shepard doesn’t seem as tense these days,” Kelly remarked to no one in particular as they gathered in the mess for dinner.

“What makes you say that?”

“She has more of a bounce in her step when she leaves for missions. Though I have noticed that she is returning with more injuries.”

“Yeah, she’s enjoying trying to catch bullets with her teeth as of late.”

“Speaking of which, where is she? It’s not like her to miss dinner.”

“She’s not eating much these days.”

“She’s not?” Kelly looked alarmed, “I assumed you brought her meals when you went up to see her.”

“I do. She kind of just pushes the food around on the plate and then runs off with something or other she forgot to do.”

“I’ll need to speak with her about this. With her new biotics, she needs to eat more, not less. Is she ill?”

Garrus blanched momentarily. It had never occurred to him that her being sick could be the cause of her strange behavior. “You know, I have no idea. Let me go ask.”

The entire ride up to her room, he mentally kicked himself. How could he have not thought of that? It would certainly explain her odd behavior. He tapped his foot impatiently. He didn’t know much about human illnesses, but it couldn’t be anything good if it could cause such a dramatic change in her. If he couldn’t do anything but drag her down to the med bay, then that’s what he would do. An eerie stillness greeted him when the elevator finally stopped on her floor. It wasn’t just the quiet this time that bothered him. It was the innate feeling that something was _wrong_ , like the feeling he got right before a mission went to hell. It made his plates itch and his talons bite into his palms. He should not have this feeling on the ship, let alone opening the door to Shepard’s cabin. The lights were on. They seemed too bright to his adrenalin heightened senses. There was no sound at all. No music, no water running, nothing, not even the faint shifting noises she would make when she would glance up when he came in. He took two steps and stopped dead. There, on the bed was the woman in question, sprawled on her back with her legs twisted uncomfortably to the side and her upper body hanging off the bed. She was completely still.


	17. Sane People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. I've had some family issues. I'll try to get more than one chapter out to make up for it.

It took him a half second to process everything. She was in her favorite black lounge pants and white tank top, her hair still tied back in a bun. It looked like she had starting crawling across the bed and just collapsed. One arm was extended toward the bedside table. He followed the line of her arm to gauge what she had been reaching for. He found it on the floor. It was her omni-tool. She had taken to removing it between missions, saying it was just another Cerberus monitoring method. He spared it a glance as he fell to his knees by her side. He did a double take. There was a half composed message to…him. It consisted of a startling sentence.

_I think I need he-_

His heart constricted in his chest. It was time stamped ten minutes after they had returned to the ship. That was…Spirits, too long ago. His visor was spitting out her vitals, letting him know that she was at least alive. But hadn’t the slightest clue as to what he should do. He couldn’t rightly carry her down with the entire crew in the mess hall. She would never forgive him for that. He could call Chakwas up, but he worried that would be just as bad. He decided on a field check to determine the cause of this. He gently lifted her fully back onto the bed and stopped. He shifted her slightly. She was too light. How long had it been since he held her without her armor on? Clearly too long. After the one night he had actually shared her bed, she had propositioned him and then…they had returned to their old pattern of behavior, nothing more than friends with the mutual need for stress relief. He had thought it was just a human thing. Maybe it went deeper and had something to do with her odd behavior. He laid her as gently as he could on the sheets and began checking for any obvious injuries. There were none. Not even a scratch. He remembered what she had said about her cybernetics speeding the healing process. He had to admit it was impressive. Clearly Miranda hadn’t been called up, so those were fine. But if she needed help, why didn’t EDI call him?

“EDI?”

The AI didn’t answer. He looked to the blue globe’s usual consol. It was flashing a red warning light. Shepard had disconnected it. He shook his head. That woman…

She groaned. He bent closer and cradled her in his arms.

“Austin?”

Another groan, this one louder.

“Austin, wake up.”

Her muscles tensed and her eyes pinched together.

“Austin-”

“Shut up, Vakarian.”

He gave a turian grin of relief. “What the hell?”

“What do you mean what the hell?”

“Are you okay? What happened? I came up here and you were out.”

“I’m fine, I was sleeping.”

“Like hell, Austin. Are you sick?”

“Sick?”

“Yeah, sick. You’ve been acting weird lately.”

“I have not.”

“Yes, you have.”

“If I have, then why hasn’t anyone else noticed it?”

“Do you bring anyone else everywhere?”

She started to say something and stopped. After a minute she said, “You said I was out?”

“What? Oh, yeah. When I came up here you looked like you had collapsed on the bed.”

She hugged her knees to her chest. “I didn’t though.”

“Then what happened?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Austin, maybe it’s time to talk to Dr. Chakwas,” he said gently.

“No, I’m fine. I have to be fine. I’m Commander Shepard, right? I can’t be broken,” she was near hysterics now. He took her into his arms and held her close. “I’m not weak. I’m not. I’m Commander Shepard. I have to be okay.”

“It’s not a bad thing to be human, Austin. It doesn’t make you weak or any less the great commander you were before.”

“Yes, it does. I’ve never been so afraid of everything before. The only thing that doesn’t scare me is pain,” her voice was muffled against his chest.

“Is that what the new recklessness is all about?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Sane people are afraid of pain.”

“Sane people don’t come back from the dead.”

“Fair point. Sane people don’t throw the Mako off of cliffs.”

That got a laugh, “Sane people don’t let me drive the Mako.”

He rumbled a laugh in response, “Sane people don’t steal a ship from the Council.”

“Sane people don’t go after the things that killed them.”

“So, it’s decided. We’re insane.”

“It took you this long to figure it out?”

“I had my suspicions after Ilos, but this just confirms it.”

“You really think I need help, Garrus?”

“Do you think you do?”

“I don’t want to need help. I just want to be okay.”

“I’ll make you a deal. You talk to me and we work it out together and I won’t carry you down to the med bay and strap you to the bed.”

“I’m not good at talking about my problems.”

“Then the med bay it is,” he swung her over his shoulder again and marched to the door.

“No! Garrus, no! Put me down. I’ll talk, I’ll talk. I swear, I’ll talk.”

He set her back on her feet, “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Commander?” EDI piped up from the console outside the elevator.

“Yes, EDI?”

“I tried to tell you sooner, but you disconnected my terminal in your cabin. I have found Toombs.”

“Great. Let’s go.”

“Austin, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Let’s get this resolved and then we can stay up all night and talk.”

“Okay, I’d prefer you sleep before we talk.”


	18. Shoot Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long delay. Life kinda pelted me with a lot of lemons and I couldn't make lemonade fast enough to keep up. So here's a great little cliffhanger for you, assuming anyone is still reading this....

Wave after wave of mercs in black and red armor tried to stop the trio from making it to the central control room. The ill trained guns for hire were no match for them. They stopped in front of the only door left in the complex. Shepard nodded to Garrus and Tali and they took up positions on either side of the door while she bypassed the lock. When the door hissed open she stepped inside. It snapped closed behind her.

“The Great Commander Shepard.”

“Toombs.”

“And here I thought you forgot about me.”

“I can’t forget about something that haunts my dreams.” She could hear her team working furiously at the door. All she had to do was buy them time. She left her comm open so they could hear the conversation.

“Don’t lie to me, Shepard.”

“It’s the truth. It gets so bad sometimes I can’t tell where I am when I wake up. I still have to strip and check for the old scar where the acid got my leg to prove it’s in the past.”

“They didn’t torture you!”

“No, I was luckier than you. But sometimes I can’t help but think the ones that died and don’t have to relive it were the best off.”

“Yeah, keep talking, bitch.”

_“We’re doing our best, Shepard. It keeps self-correcting.”_

“I will, Toombs. I’ll talk until you understand.”

“What is there to understand? You faked your death so you could join with Cerberus.”

“No, I really did die, Toombs. I got spaced when the Collectors attacked my ship. Cerberus spent more money than I care to admit to bring me back.”

“So, what? You feel like you fucking owe them something?”

“No. If anything, I hate them more now. Death is the end. There’s a damn good reason you don’t come back from it. But they tried to defy nature and screwed up.”

_“We’ve almost got it, Shepard.”_

“Yeah, whatever you have to say to justify it. You’re still working with them.”

“I don’t have a choice. I either use them or let the Reapers win.”

“They don’t exist.”

“Yes, they do. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“You’re here because you have a loose end to tie up.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Me. Your pals at Cerberus probably want me out of the way. I was never meant to escape. But I did and now they want their mistake contained.”

“No, I came here to help you. You don’t need to do this.”

He took two long strides forward and leveled his gun at her head, “You can’t help me! You’re working for the people who did this to me!”

“No, Toombs, I’m not.” It was taking a great force to keep her voice steady. “Put the gun down.”

_“Gun? Shepard, what’s going on?”_

“It’s either you or me, Shepard.”

“Who do you think it should be?”

He took another step and pressed the barrel of his pistol to her forehead, “You betrayed them. Forty eight soldiers that you were responsible for and you run off to the people who killed them. You betrayed me. I let you talk me out of it last time. Not this time. Can they bring you back from a bullet to the head?”

“Idle threats are empty threats. Pushing a gun to my head won’t change anything.”

_“Shepard, what the hell are you doing? Tali get this damn door open, now!”_

 Toombs clicked the safety off. “Stay dead, Shepard.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes!”

“Then shoot me.”

He faltered, “What?”

“Shoot me, Toombs.”

“I don’t-”

“I’m not going to beg for my life. I’ve died once already. I’m not afraid of it. I want it. Pull the damn trigger.”

“You really want me to, don’t you?”

She remained silent.

“You’re worse off than I thought.”

“So do me a favor.”

He pulled the gun away from her head. “I can’t.”

“It’s not so easy, is it?”

The door opened with a protesting hiss. He glanced to it and back to her. In one swift motion, the gun came up and he squeezed the trigger.

 “AUSTIN!”

“Shepard!”


	19. Tile

Garrus and Tali had crossed the gap before the body fell.

“Austin? Austin look at me. Come on.” Garrus begged, hesitating to touch her.

“I don’t understand. I thought…” Tali said softly as she looked at the crumpled form on the ground.

“Hey, Austin, can you hear me?”

Shepard was staring at the pool of blood on the pristine white tile floor. It poured out of his head creating a sickeningly reflective puddle of crimson. She met the image of her eyes in red and nearly ran out of the room. She made it to the stairs before her body started shaking and she fell to her knees.

“He didn’t shoot me.”

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“Why didn’t he shoot me?”

“Look at me.”

“He was going to shoot me.”

“Did you really want him to?”

She finally looked up into familiar ice blue eyes. “No. I didn’t want either of us to get shot. I wanted to help him, Garrus. I wanted to…god, he shot himself right in front of me.”

“There’s nothing useful here. We should get back to the ship,” Tali said gently.

“Yeah, back to the ship.” Shepard agreed. Garrus helped her to her feet and walked the entire way back to the shuttle with his arm around her shoulders.

 ....................

“The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you, Commander.” Kelly said cheerfully.

“Right.” Shepard went numbly into the conference room and listened to him drone on about a damaged Collector ship he wanted them to get to a.s.a.p. She mumbled an agreement and told Joker to plot a course. She ducked inside the elevator before anyone else could stop her. She needed a shower. A hot one.

In her cabin she shed her clothing in a path to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. At least the scars were gone. Otherwise, she looked like hell. She turned on the shower just hotter than she could stand it and stepped into the water. She scrubbed furiously at her hair, trying to get _his_ blood out of it. She made the mistake of glancing down. In a moment of blind panic, she screamed.

Garrus was just leaving the elevator when he heard her. She sounded freaked. She had given him the access codes to her cabin and personal bathroom after he had to hack the lock to get her out last time. He was suddenly very glad for her foresight. In her cabin, her discarded clothes were indicating a path to her bathroom. Her scream was still echoing behind the door and he opened it without a second thought. She was backed up in the corner of the shower, trying not to touch the floor. She looked terrified. He stepped into the spray and lifted her out of it, leaving the water running.

“What’s wrong?”

“Blood.”

“I thought you said he didn’t shoot you!”

“Not mine. His. It was in my hair and then it was on the floor and it looked like it did back on the base and he fucking shot himself right in front of me!”

“I think you should rest.”

She pushed away from him, “No I need to get cleaned up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He had stayed in the bathroom, leaning against the counter. She looked down at the tiled floor and renewed terror blossomed on her face.

“Do I need to tear out the tile?”

“No. Yes. Stay with me.”

“What?”

“Please.” Her voice was so small that it hurt him to hear it. He had sworn he would help her however he could, and if that meant stripping down and joining her in the shower, well, so be it.

“Okay, Austin. I’ll stay.” He was heartened to see her visibly relax. “You know, I’m starting to think you like me finding you naked in the shower.”

She managed to swat him before he left her sitting on the counter as he shrugged out of his gear. Then it hit him. _I’m getting in the shower with my CO. What the hell was I thinking?_ He glanced over to her. She was shaking and he was sure it wasn’t from being cold. He lifted her off the counter and carried her back to the shower, trying very hard to ignore the pressing fact that they were naked. She, it seemed, didn’t care in the least. She really was freaked. When he put her down again, she stood on her toes, trying to let as little of her feet touch the tile as possible. If it wasn’t for the panicked expression on her face, it would have been comical. He kept an arm around her shoulders, afraid she would lose her balance and fall.

“It’s fine.”

“What?”

“You don’t have to hold me up anymore. I did this a lot in ballet. I can stand like this for a while.”

“It looks painful. I didn’t know your feet could bend like that.”

She gave him a weak smile. He squeezed her shoulder and she slowly lowered her feet to the floor, wincing when they hit the dreaded tile. She turned her back to him and leaned her arms against the wall and her head on her arms. The water pushed her hair over her shoulders and it hung like a curtain on the side of her face. She made sure she was far enough to the side that Garrus could share the stream of water. He had to bend down so he didn’t hit his head on the nozzle and at any other time, Shepard would have laughed. Now, she didn’t even look at him. The defeated sag of her shoulders was startling. He looked at the smooth curve of her neck and followed the line of her spine down to her hips. Her usual curves were flat and he could see the jagged edges of her bones pulling at the skin.

“I know death, Garrus.”

“What?”

“I’ve shot people before, long range and up close. I’ve beat them to death with my gun and my hands. I’ve thrown them out of windows and lit them on fire. I’ve watched the light go out in their eyes. But for someone to press a gun to their own head and pull the trigger while looking me square in the eye…”

“Austin.”

“He did it for revenge, Garrus. Because I betrayed him by working with Cerberus. And the worst part is I don’t blame him.”

She had broken down and sobbed in the shower and laid everything out for him. She wasn’t the same since Cerberus brought her back. Her favorite foods no longer tasted the same; she couldn’t remember her favorite color, or the way the wind on Mindior felt on her face. She hated the way she healed faster now and when she was mad she could see the cybernetics glowing behind her eyes. Everything that was familiar once was strange now and it scared her because what if she wasn’t really Commander Shepard? She could look the same, talk the same and sound the same, but she didn’t feel the same. Cerberus tried too hard not to change her. It would have been better if they would have. The only marked change her new biotic abilities and even she couldn’t deny that they were useful in battle. Garrus had shifted from a talon on her shoulder to an arm around her to holding her as close as he could while she shook, her tears mixing with the water and dripping off her face. When the water started to cool, he turned it off and reached for towels, trying to avoid the issue of the cold. He watched her rub her skin dry and pull on the robe she had shoved on the shelf. She twisted her hair up into the towel and waited for him to make himself decent. He thought it was odd since they had just showered together, but he kept silent. He followed her out to the sitting area and watched her fold herself into the corner of the couch, looking more vulnerable than she ever had before. He took a seat next to her and pulled her close.

“So, Austin.”

“What?”

“I’m claiming you.”

“What?” She said again, looking up at him.

“Yep. You’re the only Reaper I won’t kill.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock, “I can’t believe you just said that.” Something between a sob and a laugh escaped her as she dropped her head back to his chest. “You’d doom the galaxy to save me?”

“No, I’d be the one standing with you when it went up in flames.”


	20. Favorite Foods

Shepard was talking with EDI about how the Collectors were modified Protheans. This place, the Collector’s ship, was a sick nightmare. Garrus suppressed a shudder and tuned to follow her away from the console they had been examining. On the way out, Shepard picked up a claymore heavy shotgun. She gave him a wicked grin and he shook his head. He hated shotguns, but she took some enjoyment out of the close quarters fighting.

“Shepard, the ceiling.”

“Oh, god.”

“They could harvest every human in the Terminus Systems and not fill them.”

“They’re going to target Earth.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it. Let’s move.” Her voice was dripping with determined anger. Garrus smiled, _that’s my girl._

They continued through the eerie ship in silence until EDI made a disturbing announcement. This was the same ship from Horizon…and that took down the original _Normandy_.

“The same ship dogging me for two years? I don’t buy it.” Shepard hissed. Garrus tightened his grip on his gun. They were _on_ the ship that killed her. It sent chills down his spine more than the piles of dead bodies and pods on the ceiling. He flexed his talons, trying to ease the tension before he damaged his rifle. He was here now, damn it, they wouldn’t get her twice.

The platform they were standing on rocked dangerously. Shepard was too close to the edge for his liking, but he could do nothing until he regained his own footing. It was a trap and Shepard took every bit of her anger out on the Collectors.

“Save some for the Illusive Man!” Garrus called.

“Plenty to spare! Shooting shit now just means I don’t destroy my new ship from the inside out. I am getting a little attached to it.” She yelled back as she charged off.  He covered her with his sniper as Samara suspended small groups and shot them with her SMG. A scion fired a shockwave at Shepard and she staggered back, her shields gone. Another shockwave sent her back foot slipping off the edge. She teetered for a moment and time seemed to slow as Garrus watched her slide off the platform. Garrus moved faster than he ever had before. He darted across the platform, headless of the bullets flying past him. His shields were depleted by the time he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to solid ground. With her free hand she pushed him behind her and emptied a clip from her pistol into the advancing enemies. When the last one fell she turned to face him.

“Thanks,” she grinned.

“Yeah. Don’t do that again.”

She gave a breathy laugh and walked away. He and Samara followed quickly. It was time to get the hell off this ship. A few corridors and a few dozen Collectors later, they stumbled into a room and got swarmed by husks with Harbinger droning about the futility of their mission. Shepard charged forward into a group of husks. Garrus shook his head as he alternated between taking out Collectors and watching her beat back the blue zombies with her high powered shotgun. Just when things were going well, a Praetorian came floating in.

“Shit.”

“Shepard, get down!”

“That’s…large.” Samara commented as she charged her biotics

It fired a steady beam at the only one without cover. Shepard sprinted to avoid it, diving into cover at the last second as it sliced the air right where her head had been.

“Shit!”

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Let’s not waste time.” Samara called to them.

They alternated shooting the monstrosity and running from cover to cover as it maneuvered around them. Garrus stumbled behind a ledge across from Shepard. She looked over to him and gave him a weary smile. He returned it in his turian way and reloaded his rifle. Shepard’s eyes went wide and she focused above him. He felt his plates prick and knew the Praetorian was right behind him. He turned and fired as its particle beam went across his chest. Before he knew what was happening, strong hands shoved him down just as his shields fizzled out. The familiar black and red N7 armor filled his vision. Shepard unloaded her shotgun into the monster, reloading with only one hand and keeping him pinned with the other. The Praetorian slammed itself into the ground, sending them flying. Shepard went farther than he did, being smaller and lighter. He rolled into cover before chancing a glance at where she landed. She gave him a thumbs-up and sent a wave of biotic energy at a group of advancing husks. He focused on the Praetorian and it finally dissolved into ash. Without taking a break, they sprinted for the shuttle. They were held up by wave after wave of Collectors. When they finally go through, they were greeted by a steady stream of husks. A final shockwave from Shepard saw them on the shuttle and back to the ship. She leapt from the vehicle before it stopped moving and bolted for the cockpit. She crashed into the back of Joker’s chair, panicked. Garrus stood by the galaxy map, holding the rails to keep himself upright. They made a quick exit and Shepard sagged against Joker’s chair before storming into the conference room to speak to the Illusive Man.

 ..............................

Shepard stood in the armory, cleaning her new shotgun. Garrus walked in and dropped his gear next to her and picked up a rag.

“Let him have it?”

“You know it.”

He laughed, “Good.”

She smiled, though it disappeared quickly, “We’re going to the galactic core.”

“What?”

“Yeah, that’s where the Collector base is.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. EDI analyzed some data she found in the Collector ship and figured it out.”

“How are we going to get there?”

“The answer is in a dead Reaper.”

Garrus turned to face her, “What?”

“Yeah. We’re supposed to meet a science team there to get the IFF.”

“Well, no one ever accused us of being sane.”

She laughed, “I like it that way.”

“Why does that not surprise me?”

 ..............................

Shepard huffed and slumped back into the booth. She had been more than happy to agree to lunch with Garrus on the Citadel. They were there anyway stocking up on last minute supplies and upgrades, so she had time to kill. Had she known he was bringing Kelly along and that she would be sampling every levo food on the menu, she would have refused.

“I hate you both.”

“You need to eat, Commander.”

“I do eat!”

“Hardly. Here, this doesn’t smell so bad,” Garrus shoved another plate toward her.

“Everything I eat smells bad to you.” She grudgingly took a spoonful and immediately pushed it away, “Hell no.”

“Here, a favorite from Earth,” Kelly passed her the dish.

“I know I like this.” She took a large bite of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and smiled, “Leave this here. I want to finish it.”

“Good. But it’s not enough.”

“What about this?”

“I hate beets.”

“You mean you used to hate them.” Kelly said cheerily. An irritated salarian waiter cleared the pile of plates they had stacked on the edge of the table. Shepard gave him an apologetic look and made a mental note to leave a big tip.

“I’m not going to eat them. They’re slimy and gooey and just gross.”

“What about this?” Garrus looked at the pasta with a look of undisguised disgust.

Shepard laughed, “I’ll lie about liking this just to see you make that face more often.” She stabbed at the noodles and slurped them into her mouth, “Not bad.”

“Here’s an asari dish.”

“Seriously? I think we’re done. I like more than enough human food.”

“I think she’s right. I’ll make sure we have everything on board!” Kelly bounced away.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine, Garrus. Better now that I know my new favorites.”

He looked at her picking at her nails, “It really bothers you doesn’t it?”

She shrugged, “Yeah. It’s just so weird. I woke up and everything was different.”

“It makes my head hurt to try and imagine it.”

She rolled her eyes at him and he chuckled. “Come on. We have a huge bill to pay.”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her back down, “Not so fast.”

“What? I told you I’m done eating.”

“I know.” He slid an arm around her waist and pulled her close. She relaxed against him. He brought his lips down to hers and kissed her softly.


	21. Alchera

Garrus started on another set of calibrations. While the numbers flitted across the screen, his mind wandered to Shepard. She looked better these days. Kelly had procured the necessary supplies for the commander’s preferred meals and he had been making sure she was eating. She had filled out again and had her curves back. He couldn’t help but smile. He liked her curves. Since she was sleeping more, her eyes had regained their shine. He had started spending nights in her cabin and was relieved to see it paying off. She still didn’t sleep as much as she should, and still had more than a few nightmares but it was better than it had been a month ago. The doors to the main battery hissed open. Garrus didn’t have to look to know who it was.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Shepard. Need me for something?”

“Have a few minutes to talk?”

He turned to face her, “Sure. I was just killing time anyway.”

She smiled. She had her hair in a braid again and started twisting it around her hands.

“Something wrong?” He asked.

“Huh? Oh, no.”

“You seem twitchy.”

She laughed, “Twitchy? I guess I’m just going stir crazy.”

“We have been on the ship for over a week. That must be a new record for you.”

“Hey, we needed raw materials to finish some of the upgrades.”

“I was just saying. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, of course.” She let her hair fall back behind her. “So, how’s the new gun?”

“I went it beautifully. Now I just need to get it up to my standards and we’ll be good.”

“Your standards, huh?”

“Yeah, the damn thing can’t aim straight for anything right now.”

Shepard laughed, “If anyone can fix that, it’s you.”

“You know me well.”

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. He held her close, nuzzling her hair. She stayed there for a long minute just enjoying being in his arms. She sighed and pulled away. He gave her a puzzled look.

“I have some stuff to do. I just wanted to see you.”

“Alright, well I’ll be here when you’re done with your ‘stuff’.”

“You’re always here.”

“Well, I seem to recall you worrying this beauty would get jealous. I have to make it even.”

With a laugh and a wave, she left him. He turned back to the console and got back to work.

.................... 

Three hours later the doors hissed open again.

“Give me just a minute. I’m almost done with these calibrations.”

“No, Garrus, we don’t have a minute. Unless you’re hiding Shepard in here and EDI was wrong.”

“What?” He turned to face Tali, who was pacing.

“Do you know where Shepard is?”

“I’m assuming her cabin. She said she had some ‘stuff’ to finish. Usually that means reports.”

“No, she’s not on the ship.”

“What do you mean?” He fought the panic rising in his gut.

“Do you have any idea where we are?”

“On the _Normandy_?”

“Bosh’tet. We’ve been orbiting Alchera for thirteen hours.”

Garrus clenched his talons, “She went down there alone?”

“Yes.”

“Damn it.”

.................... 

It was taking a while to find all of the dog tags. She thought she would have to pull them off of the bodies, but they had long ago faded to dust. All that was there were ice and snow and broken metal. Since she made it to the surface, she didn’t want to leave. _This place is beautiful._ She found it oddly fitting for her ship to rest here. _The view is breathtaking. Maybe that was a poor choice of words._ She grimaced at her own dark humor and pulled the last set of tags free from the ice. Twenty good men and women went down with her and the ship and no one but their families even remembered them now. She shook her head. _What makes me so special, to pry me out of the frozen tundra and spend ridiculous amounts of credits to force me back to life? I never asked for it. Had I known it was even an option, I would have put it in my will to leave me to my fate._ Another grimace as she realized she never had a will. She never had anyone to leave her things to since her family died on Mindior. Everything she had went down with her, anyway. _I suppose if I look hard enough, I’d be able to find some of it. But it wasn’t much and I don’t really care._  She found the piece of her ship that said _Normandy_ in still-glossy white lettering. She left the monument there. Something on a ridge caught her eye. She trekked up to it and stopped short. _Is that…my old helmet? That means…oh god._ This was where she came to rest, right here on this unassuming ledge. This was where they ‘recovered’ her. There were no footprints or other marks, just like the rest of the crash site. The constant flurries of snow were masking everything, including where she’d just stepped. She knelt in the snow and lightly ran her fingers through it. In the deepest parts of her being she knew this was it. This was where she was supposed to be. She pulled off her helmet. She needed to feel it, the cold of this world. This was supposed to be her final resting place, with her ship and her crew. People aren’t meant to survive death. She wanted to feel the emptiness and uncertainty that had plagued her since she woke up at that god forsaken lab all those months ago. She wanted to feel anger or sadness. She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t. She felt…peaceful. She couldn’t breathe without her helmet on, but she didn’t care. She never wanted this feeling to go away. It’s a strange thing, to find your final resting place. It’s like a part of her still lingered there, and always would. She tried to take a deep breath, to sigh. She couldn’t, of course. She still hadn’t put her helmet back on. She turned her face to the sky and took in the vista again. The cold was making her skin tingle, despite the cybernetics trying to keep it at bay. Her lungs were starting to burn. Looking up at the snow swirling between the stars, she smiled for the first time. It warmed her soul and she replaced her helmet, taking slow breadths. She decided to stand and picked up her battered old head gear. Something caught the light when she turned to leave. She took a minute to investigate. Hackett only said there were twenty unaccounted for and her own tags were on the table in her cabin. What she pulled out of the snow made her heart swell. _My bracelet._ She ran her armored fingers over the small links. The clasp was broken and it had tarnished, but it was still hers. She adjusted her old helmet in her arm and patted the pouch that held the dog tags and made her way back to the shuttle. It was time for her to go home.

.................... 

“There’s the shuttle.”

“Finally.”

The craft settled down and Shepard hopped out. She walked past Garrus and Tali and went straight to the elevator.

“Was she carrying an extra helmet?”

“Yeah, an N7 helmet.”

“Keelah.”


	22. One, Two, Three, Forever

Garrus waited what he felt was an appropriate amount of time before going to Shepard’s room. He was torn between being angry that she had gone down alone without telling anyone and being hurt that she didn’t think she could trust him enough to say something. He resisted the urge to pace in the elevator. When it finally stopped on her floor, he took two long strides to her cabin. The lock was green, which he took as a good sign. The door opened to a surreal scene. The lights were low, leaving the fish tank the brightest source of light in the room. There was soft music playing from her stereo. The desk held an array of dull dog tags. She was in shorts and a tank top, leaning against the wall across from the fish at the top of the stairs. Her hair was loose and falling down her back in waves. In one hand, she was holding a glass of wine. In the other, was something small and silver. She didn’t move when he entered.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked softly.

She took a sip of the wine, “I wanted to stay down there.”

“Austin-”

“It was really beautiful, Garrus. It’s the perfect place for the SR-1 to be.”

“That’s…good.”

“It was peaceful. I learned where I was when they recovered me.”

“Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks that’s creepy.”

She smiled, still looking into the aquarium, “I’m glad I did. Look what I found.” She held up a small silver chain with a single charm.

“Your bracelet.”

“Mmhmm.”

“You didn’t have to go down there alone, you know.”

“I know you and Tali would have come with me. But I needed to.”

“Why?”

She sighed and looked down. She took another swallow of wine, “I was missing something. I went down there to find it, or die trying.”

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

“No, but I found two things I didn’t know I lost.”

“The helmet and the bracelet.”

She nodded.

“Do you know what you’re missing?”

She pushed off the wall and went over to him, setting the glass on the desk. “Humans have a saying: home is where the heart is. I was convinced it was on that planet. I was wrong. That may have been my home once, but this is my home now. It’ll be home for me where ever you are.”

He pulled her closer to him and buried his face in her hair. It occurred to him that he had never seen her hair loose before now. She always had it pulled back in a pony-tail, braid or her favorite bun. He tangled his talons in the silky strands and lost himself in the earthy scent of her soap. She pressed herself closer to him and she could feel the rapid beat of his heart through his chest plates. They stayed like that well into the next song. Shepard finally pulled away and looked into his eyes.

“I’ll never be the same as I was back on the old _Normandy_ , Garrus. I’ve nothing left to fear, except losing you. I saw death and came back. That changed me in ways I can’t explain. But I’ll be yours as long as you want me.”

He cupped her face in his talons, “I’ll want you forever.”

 ....................

Another damn merc base. Shepard had been mining when EDI found this one. It was secluded and well-fortified. It spelled trouble and the commander just couldn’t resist. So she, Garrus and Thane ended up in a shoot-out with heavy mechs after thinning the mercs numbers after hours planet side.

“Shields, Shepard!”

“Right!” She dove back behind a crate. Garrus had taken to pointing out when her shields were low in an effort to remind her she could die again and that he wasn’t okay with that. It was a losing battle, but all the more rewarding when she listened.

The last mech exploded and they tramped up into the building hoping to find something worth their time. They found more mercs and more heavy mechs.  This was turning out to be a long mission. When the last of them were dealt with, Shepard set to work on the terminal. It gave them a shipment list and the ship it was heading to. It also activated two more rows of once dormant mechs. They sprang into action again. These seemed to fall too easily. The last two fell at the same moment Shepard’s shields fizzled out. She made a quick glance around at the carnage and nodded once before motioning them out the door. The room gave the telltale shake of a heavy mech moving. They turned and dove for cover, Shepard reacting later than the others since she was trying to hack the door that led back out. The delay cost her. The mech fired a single rocket that caught her square in the chest. She flew backwards and hit the ground in a crumpled heap. She didn’t get up.

Garrus was stuck. If he tried to get to her, he would risk the same fate. But he couldn’t just sit back. His visor told him that she was alive, but her vitals were erratic. He let out an angry howl and charged the mech, firing round after round into it from his assault rifle. He ducked behind a stack of crates before it fell in a blinding explosion. Still seeing spots, he broke out in a dead run to Shepard. She had pulled herself to a sitting position and was holding a hand over her chest while she gasped for air. Her face was pale and her ragged breathing sounded worse than she looked.

“Shepard, are you alight?” _Of course she’s not alright, you idiot!_

She wheezed, “Hurts.”

“Where?”

She pulled her hand away from her chest and he could see the armor collapsed and compacted into her. It was crushing her.

“I’ll get it off,” he began working at the latch. A small hand over his drew his attention back to her face.

“Broken,” she rattled.

“I can get it. It’s killing you, Shepard.”

“I believe she meant her bones,” Thane said softly. Shepard nodded.

“Medi-gel and let’s get back to the ship.”

“No use,” she rasped out.

Garrus looked at her at a loss. Was she giving up? She squeezed his hand and gave a breathy cough that sounded more like a death rattle. He cupped her face in his free hand and pressed his forehead to hers. She was dying in his arms and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He stroked her cheek gently. He just got her back. This wasn’t fair. He gave a low sorrowful growl. She had finally opened up to him; let him in her private world where she wasn’t Commander Shepard, but Austin, a young woman who had seen too much and done too much for her youth, who was insecure about her name and the blind faith many had in her, who was afraid that she lost her humanity when she came back to life, who was no longer afraid of death, who only truly feared one thing: losing him. And he was watching himself lose her all over again. A light touch on his face brought his eyes back to hers. He knew that look. Something was going to happen.

_One._

_Two._

_Three._


	23. Cut It

Garrus stared into her eyes and waited. Both he and Thane held their breath. When it seemed like nothing was going to happen, her eyes changed. He wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t been trying to memorize them a moment before. Her pupils got wider and gave off a faint unnatural glow. Then her nose started to bleed and she took a deep, shuddering breath and pulled away from Garrus. Shepard fell to her hands and knees and ripped her armor off. She coughed and gasped and hacked blood onto the floor.

“Back to the ship, now.” Shepard pulled herself to her feet and ran back to the door. Garrus and Thane gathered her armor and followed her back to the shuttle. Garrus watched her closely. She had been near death one second and the next, she was up and running. It was unnerving, to say the least. She was sitting across from him in the shuttle, holding gauze to her bleeding nose. She occasionally coughed, but that was the only indication that her chest had been crushed mere minutes ago. He looked over to her destroyed chest piece. It was broken and splintered. No one should have survived that. He flicked his eyes back to her. Shepard was in nothing but her under suit and he could see the fading bruise. By the time they got back to the _Normandy_ , it was gone.

..................... 

“This is bad, even for you, Commander. A rocket to the chest, really?” Dr. Chakwas said.

Shepard shrugged, “Yeah, well, you know me.”

The older woman shook her head. “I’m surprised your cybernetics were able repair it so quickly, given how little you’ve been sleeping. Four broken ribs on each side, a punctured lung and a partially crushed trachea.”

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck, “Yeah, I have a question about that.”

“Oh?”

“Should I be able to feel when they kick into high gear?”

“What do you mean?”

The commander sighed, “I know they’re always working. But I can tell when they work harder, like when I’m hurt. It’s like everything slows down. I can count the beats of my heart and feel a rush of energy, or something. And then everything snaps back into focus and I’m good as new.”

Dr. Chakwas tilted her head and pulled up a data pad, “Do you notice anything else when this happens?”

“Not really. Lately, my nose will bleed when it happens, but that’s it.”

“I see. When did you first notice this?”

“Little over a month ago.”

“I’ll look into this and let you know. Tell me if anything changes.”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks Doctor.” Shepard waved goodbye and went to find Garrus.

He was, of course, in the battery calibrating his big gun. As soon as the door opened, he turned and took her in his arms. She was surprised and it took her a minute to react.

“You nearly died,” he said.

“Happens a lot.”

“Austin.”

“I know, I know. I don’t like to think about it.”

He pulled her closer, “Will you please be more careful?”

“Hey, I didn’t charge anything this time.” She could feel his agitated glare so she added, “I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can ask.”

“We are on a suicide mission.”

He pulled away and shook his head. “You’re impossible.”

“No, I accomplish the impossible. Get it right.” She grinned. He flared his mandibles in a turian smile.

“Right, right. How could I forget Ilos?”

“Did I tell you I found the Mako?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s still in good shape. We could swing back around a pick it up. What if we need to make another drop like that to get the Collectors?”

“My hard work paid off, I see. But I’m happy to let it stay there.”

“I guess I do have the Hammerhead.”

“I’m never getting into that thing with you again. You took it as a challenge to make it touch the ground.”

“I still need to do that.”

“No, you really don’t.”

 

Hours later found Shepard in her cabin, mussing her hair. Garrus was leaning against the door frame, looking very amused.

“What are you doing exactly?” He asked.

“I want to do something different with my hair.”

“Like what?” He really didn’t get what the big deal was, it was just hair. But apparently it was important to Shepard, so here he was, trying to make sense of it.

“I don’t know. It’s not right that it looks the same. Do you think I would look good blonde?”

“I like the color it is now.”

She frowned at her reflection. “I could cut it.”

“Won’t that hurt?”

She laughed, “No.” She dug through her things until she found a pair of scissors. “Look,” she separated a chunk from her forehead and chopped it off. She shook her head and the short strands rested just above her left eyebrow. She smiled approvingly. “I like that!”

Garrus just stared at her. She turned to face him. He had to admit that it did look nice, the auburn hair swept across her forehead made her eyes seem brighter. “Looks good.”

She let out a noise that could only be called a giggle and turned back to the mirror. “Now, to do the rest.”

He panicked, “How short are you going to make it?”

“Not very. I have to have long hair.”

“Why?”

“I have a boy’s name.” She shrugged, “Having long hair evens it out.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Austin is typically a male name in my species. I’m not a guy. Keeping my hair long is a good indication that I’m a girl.”

“You have gender based names?”

“Don’t you?”

“I never really thought about it.”

“Well, I hate people thinking I’m a guy.”

“I thought male and female humans had different, uh, physical traits other than hair.”

“We do. But, a lot of different species, and a good number of humans, don’t pay attention. Anyway, it’s a personal thing for me. If I shaved my head, they would still know I was female. You know, this is impossible to explain.”

“But you enjoy doing the impossible.”

“True. I’ll work on this impossible task then. Come here, I need your help.”

Garrus moved to stand next to her, “What I am going to do?”

“Cut it.”

“What? No!”

“Oh, calm down. It’s not that hard.” Shepard put a green band in her long hair, “See where it is? Cut it right above that.”

“What if I do it wrong?”

“You won’t.” She handed him the scissors. He looked doubtfully at her in the mirror. She smiled encouragingly and he relented. He held her hair carefully in his talons and brought the scissors up to it. With a deep breath, he snipped it off. She shook her head and admired the new length. “Perfect!”

“I did it right?”

“Yep.”

He stood back to see his work. Instead of falling to her hips, it went to the middle of her back. “You know, I like it, too.”


	24. A Husk, a Volus and a Shower

Shepard leaned back in her chair and listened to the conversation about the latest sports teams from every corner of the galaxy. She had her arms behind her head and her legs crossed under the table. Garrus glanced over to her and twitched his mandibles in a grin. She returned it easily. A couple of people stood and bode farewell as they had to get back to their shifts. Shepard nodded to them as they passed. She felt a little guilty that she didn’t know everyone’s name after months on the ship, but they clammed up pretty good when she was around. Some of them worshiped her as the legendary Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel. Others kept their distance, thinking her an alien sympathizer. She tapped her foot quietly to the song she had stuck in her head, letting her mind wander. Miranda came out of her office and touched her shoulder. Shepard started and looked over to her.

“You’re needed in the medical bay.”

“Alright.” She pushed away from the table and followed the dark haired woman toward the med bay. Garrus looked over to her and she shrugged. He stood and followed her, worry sinking its claws into his chest. 

Shepard stared impassively at Miranda, Mordin and Dr. Chakwas. Both women had their arms crossed and Mordin had his clasped behind his back.

“I feel like I’m in trouble for something.”

“That’s one way to look at it,” Miranda said shortly.

“Garrus, when I give the signal, I want you to pick me up and run like hell.”

The turian chuckled, “Maybe you should hear them out first.”

“Have you noticed any other changes with your implants?” Dr. Chakwas asked.

“Nothing new, no.”

“Wait, what changes, Shepard?” Garrus asked.

“Increased focus, higher pain threshold and dramatically shortened recovery time.” Mordin said.

“Why am I here?”

“I told you to take it easy, Commander. I warned you that your cybernetics weren’t meant for continued strain.” Miranda said hotly.

“Um, we’re on a suicide mission. There aren’t many situations more straining than that.”

“You haven’t been eating, or sleeping and still keeping up your strenuous activities. They have to work harder to make up for what you’re not doing. It’s starting to affect them.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes, “Affect them how?”

“They have altered enough that they are over correcting now.”

“Altered?” Garrus barked. He didn’t like where this was going.

“They are self-modifying to accommodate many levels of stress. The amount you have been putting them under is higher than we anticipated. They should have gone back to their normal parameters when you started eating again.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there.”

“They are overpowered now. There’s a risk of them consuming you more completely.” Dr. Chakwas said slowly.

“Can I survive without them?”

“Of course. They were there to speed up the reconstruction process.”

“So take them out.”

“Not recommended. Muscles weak without support. Would not be able to walk or fight. Several years rehabilitation if removed now,” Mordin waved his hand dismissively.

Shepard was silent as she thought through what they said. Garrus watched her face carefully. The blank stare that he had spent months trying to eradicate made its way back onto her face.

“When you say ‘consume’ do you mean like what happened to Saren?”

“Not really, no. His implants were Reaper tech for one. They also went throughout his body. Yours are more limited.” Miranda said proudly.

“Would be more like husk.”

Mordin’s solemn declaration hung in the air. Shepard took a deep breath.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Of course. They are self-modifying. If you lay low long enough, they’ll adapt. There will always be a risk of them reaching this point again, though.”

Shepard nodded slowly, “Then I’ll do what I can. But time is running out for the galaxy and it’s counting on me. I can’t lay low for long.”

“Just stay in cover more. Taking fewer hits, along with eating regularly will help dramatically.”

“I’ll do what I can,” she repeated.

Satisfied, the group filed out of the med bay. Shepard followed Garrus to the main battery.

“You okay?” He asked once the door closed.

“Yeah, just surprised. Who in the hell puts self-modifying cybernetics into a person?”

“Cerberus, apparently.”

“So it would seem. Stupid, really. Look at the problems it’s causing!”

“So, you’re not upset about what they said could happen?”

“No, why? I can control it, so I will. If I have to hide to stay human, I will as much as I can. It’s not like it’ll be forever. I call it a fair trade. Besides, I’m already on my way to fixing it.” Shepard shrugged.

“Until you took a rocket to the chest.”

“Picky, picky.”

“So you’ll be careful?”

“As much as I can be. But you know me.”

He gave a turian grin, “That I do.”

She put her arms around him, “Promise you’ll pull my ass back when I push it?”

“I promise.” He held her tightly. He had been so worried that she would slip away again, but he had underestimated her. She was stronger than that and she would fight this like she fought everything else. Spirits, this woman was amazing.

She pulled back, “Well, since I’ve eaten and had my daily medical lecture, I have stuff to do.”

“Does this stuff require you leaving without telling anyone?”

Shepard laughed, “No, it’s reports and sorting laundry. I’ll be in my cabin if you need me.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

.................... 

Four hours later and Shepard was staring at her terminal screen. She had already put away all of her clothes and finished six reports. She was half way through the seventh and couldn’t focus anymore. Dropping her head onto the desk, she groaned. She thought about calling Garrus up, but he was probably doing more calibrations and she didn’t want to disturb him. Music. That’s what she would do. She would play some music and try to relax. The reports would still be there later. Pulling herself up, she stretched and went to the stereo. What kind of music was she in the mood for today? She scrolled through her extensive collection until she found an old favorite from her time in ballet. She set it to play and turned up the volume. She swayed lightly to the soft notes and before she knew it she was twirling around her room. Shepard grinned to herself at how easily the moves came back to her. She was stiff, but still able to pull it off in the tight space. Coming out of a spin, she slammed her foot into the low table.

“Shit!” She dropped to the floor and rubbed it. It was already bruising. She felt the telltale buzz of her cybernetics and closed her eyes until it passed. She wiped her hand across her bleeding nose and leaned her head back. Catching a glimpse of the skylight, she shimmied back to the bed and rested her head on it so she could watch the stars flit by. She pushed her bangs of her face so she could see them better. And that’s where she stayed until her door hissed open.

“Hey, Shepard. EDI said you were hurt. I thought you were doing reports…why are you on the floor?” Garrus stopped at the top of the stairs and looked down at her.

“Hey, Garrus. I was doing reports and then I got bored so I put on music and ended up dancing and hit the table. So I sat on the floor to look at my foot and then my cybernetics fixed it and I saw the stars so I decided to watch them.”

“You are aware that you sounded like a tweaked out volus, right?”

“Yep!” She motioned for him to come over. He pulled her to her feet and she bounced up to leave a kiss on his unscarred mandible.

He smiled and put an arm around her waist. She leaned into him and smiled contentedly. He nuzzled the top of her head and she closed her eyes.

“So you felt your cybernetics fix your foot?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just weird.”

“I can’t feel it actually fix anything. It’s like an electric current. It kind of makes my body numb and by the time it wears off, I’m good as new.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“I didn’t think it was important. It’s been happening more and more lately. That’s why I brought it up with Dr. Chakwas. I thought it would stop when I started being normal again.”

“You? Normal?”

“Well, normal for me.”

Garrus hummed against her head and she relaxed more into him.

“So, EDI really called you up here because I kicked a table?”

“Looks that way,” he chuckled. “I wasn’t busy, so I’ll let it slide this time.” She laughed against his chest and stood on her toes to kiss him again. He tugged her hair out of its bun and let his talons tangle in it.

“How about a shower?”


	25. Why Breasts Need Support

“A shower?” Garrus asked slowly.

“Yes, a shower. You know, with hot water and soap and steam.”

“Um, is that appropriate?”

“Since when have we cared?”

“The last time we, uh, showered together, it was because you were afraid of the bathroom floor.”

“Then I’m still afraid of it.”

Garrus laughed, “Is that so?”

She grinned over her shoulder as she pulled him into the bathroom. As the door opened, she yelped and jumped into his arms, “Eek! Save me from the big, bad tile, Archangel!”

“Really, Austin?”

“I told you.”

He nuzzled her neck and deposited her on the counter. “Then I guess I’ll stay.” She gave him that lopsided smile that made his heart skip a beat. He made quick work of his armor and she of her clothes. He turned back to her with his under suit still on. She was sitting cross legged on the counter in her underwear.

“What?” Shepard asked.

“What’s on your chest?” Garrus motioned to the odd contraption.

She looked down, “Oh, my bra?”

“What’s it for?”

She gave a nervous laugh, “Well, it, ah, supports my breasts.”

“Why do breasts need support?”

Her nervous laugh bubbled into a fit of giggles. He just stared blankly at her until she calmed enough to speak, “So they don’t get in the way.”

“How would they get in the way?”

She fought to contain another fit of laughter, “Garrus, humans aren’t plated. We’re squishy and, um, certain parts tend to kind of flop around if they aren’t contained.”

Now it was his turn to laugh at the image her words had conjured in his mind. “Contained? You make it sound like a prisoner.”

“Turian women don’t have breasts, right?”

“No, but they do have more defined chest plates.”

Shepard tilted her head to the side, “Do I look weird to you?”

“You look like you.”

“I mean compared to what you’re used to.”

He considered her statement. Of course she looked different, she was human. Why would she even ask? Was she worried he wouldn’t like her because she was human? He flared his mandibles in a grin, “I’m taking a guess that I look different than humans.”

“Of course. You’re turian.”

“Most women are intimidated by that.”

She crossed her arms indignantly, “I’m Commander Shepard. I don’t get intimidated.”

Garrus went over to her and pulled her to his chest, “I know. You’re not weird, you’re human. And I love it.”

She kissed his chest and smiled, “Good.”

He nuzzled her hair before pulling away, “Want me to start the water?”

“Yes, please.”

He turned and fiddled with the shower until he got the water at what he thought was an acceptable temperature. When he turned back to Shepard, she had discarded the rest of her clothes and was looking at herself in the mirror with her arms folded over her chest.

“I miss my scars.”

“Why? I thought you hated them.”

“Not the ones from Cerberus. The one on my nose from Mindior and the one on my leg from Akuze. I had one on my back from where that Colossus ruined my favorite armor, too. They’re all gone.”

Garrus pulled off his under suit and moved to stand behind her. He put his talons on her shoulders, “I’m sure you’ll get some new ones.”

Shepard leaned back against him and stared at their reflection until the mirror steamed over. He picked her up and carried her to the water, continuing the fib that she was still afraid of the tile. This time, he wasn’t bothered that they were naked together. He gently set her down and she reached up, extending the nozzle of the shower up so he could stand straight. She backed into the water and leaned her head back letting it soak her hair. Garrus stepped forward and bent until his mouth met hers. She lightly trailed her fingers down his chest, making note of the rough plates. She let her fingers wander until she found his sensitive spots. She smiled against his lips and her nimble fingers drew slow circles on his wet plates. He let a low, appreciative growl rumble through him. She pulled back and pushed her hair away from her face, still smiling. Garrus ran his talons through the silky strands, marveling at how they felt different wet. Shepard closed her eyes and hummed happily.

He kissed her neck, “So what do humans normally do in the shower?”

She tilted her head to the side, encouraging him to continue, “Wash hair and body and try to relax. I usually take long showers.”

“I see,” he lightly nipped her collar bone. 

“What about turians?”

“We don’t have hair to wash, but we take pride in keeping our plates smooth.”

She traced his chest plates, “This is smooth?”

“For a turian, yeah.”

“I see,” she left a trail of kisses back to his lips.

“How do you wash your hair?”

“I’ll show you.” Shepard spun in his arms and took the shampoo bottle down. After squeezing some into her hand, she lathered it in her hair. Turning back to face him, she continued to scrub at the wet pile on top of her head. The earthy scent of argon filled the small room and Garrus purred. He loved that smell. He hesitantly reached for the soapy strands and she bent her head toward him. Careful of his sharp talons, he mimicked the motions she had used and got a soft groan from her. He kept going, moving from the top of her head to the nape of her neck. He could feel her skull beneath the skin and the corded muscles of her neck as she bent her head farther forward until it rested on his chest. The water sent the soap cascading off her and splashing on him before it hit the floor and swirled down the drain. She tipped her head back and let the rest of the suds rinse from her hair.

“Are you trying to be sexy?”

Shepard laughed, “Not at the moment. Why? Like what you see?”

He ran a talon down her glistening body, “Something like that.”

She pressed her body closer to his and he was reminded of a time months ago when he longed to feel this sensation. She pressed closer still and he felt his control slip. He was hyper aware of her breath against his bare plates, her soft skin bending to the harsh lines of his body, her heart beating against his. On instinct he lifted her up and pressed her back against the wall. She hooked her legs over his hip spurs and brought her hands up to cup his face.

“Should we…”

“Do you…”

“No,” they both answered at the same time. They laughed again and rested their foreheads together.

“Hey, Garrus?”

“Mmm?”

“The water’s getting cold.”

“Still hate the cold?”

“That will never change,” Shepard turned the cool spray off and he carried her back to the counter. She took the towel he offered and dried her body. She waited while he dried his before leaning against his solid frame. He put his arms around her and rested his head against hers.

“We should do this again.”

“Agreed.”


End file.
